HAH Awards 2011/2012

The award-winning badge of Cove FC.

Good evening! How are you? I'm fine, thanks, since you asked! I've made you a nice cup of tea. Treat yourself to a biscuit or two whilst I hand out the Hopping Around Hampshire end of season awards for 2011/2012...

Harry the Hawk presents a fine selection of condiments at Havant & Waterlooville.

I've had a grand old time this past season, wandering around a wide variety of grounds, ranging from the large level 2 stadiums of Portsmouth's Fratton Park and the St Mary's library (I dropped a pin there and the Saints fan next to me turned around and put his finger to his lips...shhhh!), right down to five grounds at level 10 of the overall national pyramid - the last of which, Hythe & Dibden, was in a public park.

More tea bar essentials at Blackfield & Langley.

I started the season by following the early rounds of the FA Cup - and by "early rounds", I mean the Extra-Preliminary Round through to the 3rd Qualifying Round. Trips to Cove, Moneyfields and Hartley Wintney all produced underdog winners, whilst the matches at Whitchurch United and Basingstoke Town were won by the higher-ranked club.

Each of these matches was intense, with the potential rewards for the winners becoming gradually more and more exciting - the game at Whitchurch, in particular, was gripping, as the village team matched their big city opponents from four levels higher in the pyramid for a large portion of the tie. In front of a crowd of 400, it was their biggest match in decades. Literally half the village turned out to watch, and with the Gloucester City drummer making a racket throughout the match, the atmosphere was that of a small-scale Fratton Park. Add to this mix the fact that it was the hottest October day on record, and that Whitchurch have a characterful old stand (which was full for the first time in years), then the award for my personal Match of the Season 2011/2012 goes to Whitchurch United v Gloucester City!

Tigers TV filming the Whitchurch United v Gloucester City FA Cup tie.

So, I gave out two awards last season - for Best Match (Andover New Street v Tadley-Calleva) and Best Programme (Fareham Town). I did consider extending the number I gave this season so that every club got at least one, but soon dropped the idea as if it was a football covered in warm grease and I was a particularly butterfingered goalkeeper.

The sort of new awards I was considering were Best Cup Of Tea and Best Half-Time Snack (which would have gone to GE Hamble and Bashley respectively), Best Selection Of Ketchups And Other Condiments (a tough call between Blackfield & Langley and Havant & Waterlooville, as you can see from the photos), Most Club Crests On Display (Cove, by quite some distance!), and Best Bench Seats (Hythe & Dibden).

As it happens, Cove's badge has already won an award for Non-League Club Badge Of The Year (1990), so they're obviously proud of the design. They don't need my silly virtual award, and neither do any of the other clubs.

Bench seats at Hythe & Dibden FC.

I'll stick with just the two awards then. For Best Programme, I'm not going to include Pompey or Saints, as they have full-time staff working on their bi-weekly productions (barring the squirm-inducing manager's comments page, the Saints programme is pretty good, and yes, I did forget to buy Pompey's effort whilst I was there, so I couldn't include that anyway!). Lower down, Havant & Waterlooville's colourful programme was much better than Basingstoke's (although, in the Stokies defence, they had no editor at the time, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been) - I've not included these either.

Instead, the award will go to one of the programmes from Step 3, 5 or 6 of the National League System. These are all programmes that are produced by volunteers. Some are a labour of love, others are published only because the leagues demand it in their rules. I do have a lot of sympathy with the latter group of clubs when they are told to publish programmes, despite the fact that they might only sell half a dozen on a match day - there are so many jobs to do around a club to keep it functioning, it's not surprising that writing fresh material for a programme every other week comes low down on their priorities (see also keeping websites up to date).

The best programmes are produced by people that enjoy the task - the pleasure they get out of seeing their hard work turned in to a little magazine going on sale every other week must be quite cockle-warming. I'm guessing that most programme editors are either retired or have grown-up children and thus some time on their hands to devote to the job.

At the other end of the age scale, it would also be a great job for someone at college studying sports journalism - what an excellent addition to a CV being a programme editor would be! If you're a journalism student reading this, contact your local non-league club right now! They'd love to have you help out.

2011/12 programmes, left to right: Top: Pompey (er, a random issue from 1997 as I forgot to buy one for the Middlesbrough match), Basingstoke Town, Blackfield & Langley, AFC Portchester, Whitchurch United; Middle: Cove, GE Hamble, Moneyfields, Hythe & Dibden, Lymington Town; Bottom: Saints, Bashley, Tadley-Calleva, Hartley Wintney, Havant & Waterlooville.

So, without any further prevaricating, the award for my personal Programme Of The Season 2011/2012 goes to Hartley Wintney FC. Most of the other programmes had their merits, but this one had it all. As well as the bare minimum of recent results and league tables, the matchday magazine (and at 44 pages, it was a magazine) contained:

• Well-written manager's notes
• Information about Bashley
• Hartley look-a-likes (did you know that Garth Crooks, Dr Evil and Moe Szyslak all play for Hartley Wintney?)
• Round-ups from the first team, reserves and youth team
• Two player profiles
• A pair of Guess Whos (photos of players when they were younger)
• A think-piece by the editor
• A photo caption quiz
• Highlights from the club forum

...and much much more! Even half the contents would have been plenty - it took me most of the train journey home to read. The best programme that I've seen at their level by a country mile (so far!).

You can view an online copy of Hartley Wintney's programme here, on their excellent website.

Curiouser and curiouser...

Another favourite programme from the season just passed was Hythe & Dibden's. Free with entry, we learnt everything we needed to know about their goalkeeper in a modern-day Focus On profile (Best ground ever played at: Blackfield & Langley; Favourite drink: Fosters,etc), there were manager's notes, a quiz...

But the one thing I've come back to again and again (and I've had sleepless nights trying to work this out) is the list of goalscorers (see above). Consider that Hythe & Dibden had scored 40 league goals up until this match, and that this was presumably their complete list of scorers...

...well, they don't add up. Assuming the smiley faces each count as one goal, whatever round number the explosions are meant to represent (and I've tried the obvious 5 and 10), they just don't add up to 40. Unless each explosion counts as 7 goals? But that can't be right!

Where do those nights of sleep go to when they do not come to me? Only kidding, of course.

That's 2011/2012 over and done with. There'll be four Hampshire Top Twenty tables over the rest of the summer, then the match reports will begin again in August - there should be seventeen in all next season.

I hope you enjoyed your tea!

End of Season Roller Round-Up

Go-slower stripes at Bashley.

As you may know, I'm inordinately fond of the rusty groundsmen's equipment that I see lying around on my travels. Having compiled photos of various rollers and ultra spreaders from the first half of the season here, I thought it was high time that I showed the second half's haul now that my season has ended.

There weren't a huge number to display, so I've added a fork from Havant & Waterlooville and a couple of nice specimens from Bognor Regis Town to bulk up the article a tad (yes, Bognor is in Sussex...I was intending my last report to be from either Gosport Borough or Sholing in the Southern League South & West play-off final, but unfortunately Poole Town spoilt my plan by barging in front of both clubs towards the end of the season, resulting in the final being played in Dorset...so I went to Bognor Regis Town v Dulwich Hamlet instead).

Unloved of Bashley.

The first two pieces of equipment are from Bashley. The large yellow roller with its go-slower stripes is quite a beast, rivalling the one at Cove for super-massiveness. I presume it would need a tractor to pull it along the pitch. However, if there was no tractor available, there are a pair of hefty horses in the field next door who might be amenable to a spot of roller-pulling.

The second item from Bashley was suffocated by weeds. Once a much-loved tiller (or similar), now discarded like an old and unfashionable toy and left to rust in peace behind the terraces.

Two rollers in one at GE Hamble!

The place to be for groundsman's equipment in January was GE Hamble. Not content with just having a cool aeroplane within the ground, there was also a lovely cup of tea in a mug from Mug's Corner; an old bus shelter behind one goal; an interesting quirky stand, friendly locals and a cracking game of football...

A roller, a spade and a jar of grease at GE Hamble.

...all this, and they also had a great selection of rollers! It was hard to choose a favourite, but the two-in-one effort just shades it right now (I may change my mind and prefer the spiky leaf-picker tomorrow...). Two rollers in one! If the first one fails to squish that pesky molehill, the second is sure to do it!

A spiky leaf-picker-upper at GE Hamble.

The coveted award for Most Colourful Roller of 2012 has already been won by Tadley-Calleva. The bright March sunshine made their already red roller seem even redder. If you wanted to take a piece of groundsman's equipment to Mars and hide it on the planet's surface, safe from prying eyes, then this is the roller for you!

The winner of the Most Colourful Roller trophy is... Tadley-Calleva!

Havant & Waterlooville had a squeegee-roller on show before their immense match against Staines Town a couple of weeks ago. The groundsman carried on improving the playing surface at half-time with his fork. Most definitely the Hawks' heroic twelfth man on the day.

A spot of half-time forking at Havant & Waterlooville.

Other than the previously-shown roller at Romsey Town, that was that for the second half of this season, excepting a short trip to Bognor Regis Town last weekend for their play-off final against Dulwich Hamlet (in front of over 2,000 fans!).

A big rusty hot dog at Bognor Regis Town.

Bognor's equipment was safely locked away in a compound, but by peering through the slats, I could see a big rusty roller protected by dog patrols and anti-climbing paint. I can see why they would be so protective of this one - what a lovely specimen - a big rusty hot dog to rival the one at Moneyfields!

Caged up at Bognor Regis Town.

Their second, smaller roller was resting against the iron bars of the compound, looking lonely. Luckily, it had some training equipment to keep it company - traffic cones and those two-dimensional metal men that footballers line up in a wall to practice their curling free-kick technique.

Rickety TV tower at Bognor Regis Town.

As a bonus (and because I'm not writing a report of the Bognor match, despite it being a good 'un), the final photo is of Bognor Regis Town's rickety TV tower. This is very similar to the one at Havant & Waterlooville, built of scaffolding, string and air. Nice floodlights at Bognor too!

A Drizzly Day in Havant

Just like Showaddywaddy under the moon of love.

They said it was the biggest match in Havant & Waterlooville's history. They said it was bigger than the FA Cup 4th round game at Anfield four seasons ago when the Hawks grabbed the mighty elephant of Liverpool FC in their talons, lifted it into the air and ripped into its leathery flesh to lead 2-1 at one point. Bigger than the tussles against Swansea City in the previous round which took them to their most famous match. Bigger than the two-legged FA Trophy semi-final against Tamworth. Big with a capital B!

So it must have been important. Why? Because Havant & Waterlooville had to win to avoid relegation to the Southern League. Never relegated in their fourteen years of joint existence, the shame in the twin towns of 'Avant and 'Looville would have been immense. A summer of tear-stained misery awaited, trying to work out where on earth Barwell and Arlesey are. A point above Maidenhead, and two above Hampton & Richmond at kick-off, it also happened that a draw might have been enough if their rivals failed to win (and Hampton would also have had to win by six clear goals away from home to overtake them). But a win would make absolutely sure that summer 2012 would be a happy one.

It had rained all week, but the day of the match was merely drizzly. However, the groundsman - with his fork and his curious roller-with-squeegee-attachment - was still the busiest man in the ground before kick-off. With the visitors being the pond-loving Swans (the Staines Town version, rather than the more well-known Swansea City this time), it was crucial to remove as much surface water as possible, and he did a grand job.

It was a riveting match. Staines scored twice in the first half, but so did the Hawks. The home team also hit the bar and missed a penalty. With Maidenhead beating local rivals Eastleigh at half-time, Havant & Waterlooville were heading downwards. But they had battled for every ball - they may not have won the school prize for achievement this term, but every time I've seen them, they've been a shoo-in for the £5 book token for hardest triers.

There was hope a-plenty going into the second half. Havant had swarmed around the Staines goal like hungry nuthatches around a bird feeder full of Buggy Nibbles for the entire first half, and when a Staines defender was sent off ten minutes in to the second, the hope became overwhelming. At this point in the match, Maidenhead were losing 3-2 to Eastleigh, so the Hawks were staying up with a draw.

Nobody bites fingernails any more. Instead, fingers are used to caress the internet-connected pocket gadgets which have replaced transistor radios at football. These gadgets are the bringers of glee one minute, and despair the next. With 900+ people fidgeting, hopping from one foot to the other, nervously eating chips or tapping away at their phones, the last minute of injury time arrived without any further goals. It was at this point that the twitterers in the crowd let it be known that Maidenhead had scored in the last minute of their match to win 4-3. All hope had been sucked out like Harry Potter having a bad day with a dementor. The Hawks were on their way to Arlesey Town next season...

...and then Joe Dolan broke the back of the net with a screamer from ten yards. Or at least, it felt like a screamer, as that's what happened next...screaming, yelling, boisterous, bundling pandemonium. Pompey fans will remember the feeling when Darren Anderton scored in the FA Cup semi-final in 1992 with seven minutes to go - this was the same.

John Peel once said that he had to listen to forty or fifty records before he came across one that gave him the shivers. This season, Hawks fans have had to suffer the football equivalent of forty-odd Olly Murs and Nicki Minaj tunes. The last kick of this match was New Rose, Teenage Kicks and God Save The Queen all coming along at once. A once in a lifetime proper PUNK ROCK moment.

The match video is here. The match report from The News is here. From the Hawks' unofficial site here. From the blog formerly known as Dub Steps here. From Ade Oakley's blog here. A photo of the winning goal here.

A roller with a squeegee attachment was used at Havant & Waterlooville on Saturday.

It rained this week.

Christian Nanetti waits to take a penalty.

The linos needed long studs at Westleigh Park.

Goalmouth action minutes from the end.

The muddy Hawks heroes clap the fans.

More than one side of A4 needed for this five star match report!

24. Hythe & Dibden FC

No dogs invaded the pitch during the match, although several walked past with their owners.

I once knew a small boy who was terrified of pine cones. He would shake uncontrollably at the very thought of a larch or a Douglas fir - harmless overgrown Christmas trees to the rest of us, provider of food to crossbills and squirrels, quick-growing profitable softwood for the pulp industry, etc.

But no, whilst the arachnophobes, ophidiophobes and triskaidekaphobes amongst us steered clear of spiders, snakes and the number thirteen, this poor boy's life was blighted by his fear of pine cones.

You can't go far without bumping into a pine tree, so the small boy missed out on all the fun of drilling holes in a Sitka spruce trunk to collect sap to feed his ant farm, of brass-rubbing trunks with flaky golden crayons to marvel at the bark patterns, or even collecting every type of pine cone there is and posting a "wanted" list on the internet for rare cones. All good healthy hobbies for inquisitive boys.

Hythe & Dibden's main stand.

Details
Hythe & Dibden FC (1) 2 v 6 (2) Brockenhurst FC
Saturday 21st April 2012
Sydenhams Wessex League Division One
Entrance: £4
Programme: Free with entry (good effort - had everything you could need for a match at this level)
Attendance: 35-40 (as the match took place on a recreation ground, people were coming and going all the time)
Club shop: No, but clubhouse open over the far side of the cricket pitch.
Colours: All green v Blue and white stripes / Blue / Blue
National Grid reference: SU4208

Brockenhurst fire in a free-kick at Hythe & Dibden FC. Large pine tree behind the goal.

The small boy wouldn't have liked Hythe & Dibden's Ewart Recreation Ground much. He would have quivered with fear at the menacing pine tree behind the lower goal, its sharp branches extending out its deep green talons above the crossbar, enormous cones ready to drop on any puny humans below who dared to sneer at its awesome power.

Did I mention the word "power"? That's funny, because Hythe & Dibden were formed in 1902 as Hythe & Power United! What an excellent name! It rivals some of my other favourites of all time, such as Mold Alexandra, Abergavenny Thursdays, Kremen Kremen Chug, Red Boys Differdange, Tytherington Rocks, Deportivo Wanka. I could go on...and on...

Anyway, as the village of Hythe grew bigger between the wars, it devoured the nearby village of Dibden Purlieu like a maniac Hungry Hippo gulping down an irritating marble, and so, feeling as though they needed to make it up to their neighbours, they changed their name to Hythe & Dibden FC. They had many trophyless years (Hampshire League Division 3 West champions in 1949/50 being their first glittering prize after nearly half a century of trying). Looking at the list of honours in Saturday's programme, the Echo Giant Cup (1985) stands out, but only because I'd love to know just how big the Giant Cup was! With the size of trophies generally being inversely proportional to the competition's importance (this is a well-known law), it may have rivalled the pine tree for magnificence.

Compare the Brockenhurst dugout to the vertical floodlight pylons to get an idea of the angle of the slope.

Did I mention that there's a pine tree behind the lower goal? I did? I said "lower" because there is an impressive slope at the Ewart Recreation Ground. At the top corner (see the photo below), the pitch is at 10.5m above sea level, whilst at the opposite corner (see the following photo), the corner flag pole rises from the earth at only 7.5m above sea level - a drop of 3 metres, or approximately 10 feet from one end of the pitch to the other, which rivals the slopes at Horndean and Fleet Town as Hampshire's finest, any of which could be used for an egg-rolling contest at Easter.

Due to the slope, the bottom goalmouth at Hythe collects more water, and thus more mud than the top one. If you close your eyes and listen to the squelch of boot upon mud, you could imagine yourself at a (very quiet) 1970s Football League stadium - a time when football pitches could often double up as mud-wrestling arenas for those who like that sort of thing.

As it was, it didn't rain too much on Saturday - just the one almighty shower as the players walked out for the second half - not just raining cats and dogs, but mice and hamsters and every other kind of pet as well at that point. It was generally pleasant though, so can't complain too much! It's not as though it was wet enough to grow cress on my jeans...

Covered standing area by the corner flag at Hythe & Dibden.

A ship sailed past. Not just any old ship, but one of those enormous cruise ships that depart from Southampton and sail to the Caribbean or the Mediterranean or one of those other seas that are tricky to spell. It could be seen between the trees and buildings at the pine tree end (indeed, I think its bow is just about showing in the midfield action photo above a roof on the right-hand side).

In the week that the one hundred year anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic was big news, this seemed quite normal (which indeed it is around here, as these ships come and go all the time along the channel separating Hythe from Southampton). What it would be cruel to say is that this was an appropriate analogy for the state that Hythe & Dibden find themselves in this season - possibly heading for the iceberg of relegation from the Wessex League.

Bottom of the league with just five wins all season, they could be heading back in to the Hampshire League. However, this is unlikely, due to a number of reasons. Firstly, the Wessex League is short of teams - just 18 in the second tier this season, so there's room for at least two more. Secondly, Warminster Town want to move to the Western League - if they do, that would leave 17 teams. This would mean promoting at least four clubs from below if Hythe & Dibden were to be relegated. Thirdly, with no teams likely to be falling in to the Wessex from the Southern League to replace upwardly-mobile Winchester City, the top division is only likely to relegate one team with Verwood Town and AFC Portchester moving up from Wessex One. So that leaves another space.

QK Southampton are in a possible promotion position in the Hampshire League and have had Wessex League inspectors along to check their ground. But they lack floodlights, seating and cover, all of which are requirements at Step 6. Other clubs from the Hampshire League and other feeder leagues also lack facilities, so the chances of enough clubs coming up from below to oust Hythe are slim. They should be safe for the time being.

Hythe & Dibden in the rain. Looks nice as a Desktop Background!

Brockenhurst should have been one of the promoted clubs this season. They were in a very healthy position at Christmas and looked certainties to bounce back from whence they came (25 consecutive years in the top flight until last season), but they've blown it in 2012 and look likely to finish fifth.

Did I mention the pine tree? I did, but there are also many more trees overhanging one side of the pitch. At one point in the first half, the match ball hit one of these trees and bounced straight back down at least a yard inside the touchline. The ref's mind whirred, mentally flicking back through hundreds of You Are The Ref cartoons so he could decide what to do (he plumped for a throw-in, telling the players that the ball would have crossed the line if it hadn't been for that pesky tree, or words to that effect). Good decision!

This wasn't the only action of the first half. From the moment that Brock hit the bar in the first minute until the players went trundling off over the cricket pitch for their half-time oranges, the match snapped, crackled and popped with incidents. Brock took the lead after 5 minutes with a header from a corner and then proceeded to toy with their opponents like a leopard seal balancing a penguin on its nose whilst flapping its flippers for fun.

After half an hour Hythe had had enough of this and equalised with what can only be described as a thunderous volley. A minute later and Brock had gone 2-1 up from the penalty spot. The cruel and heartless leopard seals were back in charge.

Entertaining.

Midfield tussling at Hythe & Dibden v Brockenhurst.

The second half was just as good. Brock were attacking up the incline, but they still managed another four goals to the home side's one. The one for Hythe came early on to draw level again, but Brock responded by tossing them into the air and swallowing them whole with two goals in the following two minutes. I'd not even finished my half-time cuppa and there had been three goals since the restart.

A fifth goal for Brock from a quick breakaway, then a sixth near the end and that was that for the scoring. My defective memory tells me that the home team may have had a goal disallowed, but I may have hallucinated that after so much excitement.

Breathless.

A fingertip save from Hythe & Dibden's busy keeper.

Oh, and the small boy? Remember him? He soon grew out of his fear of pine cones. He grew up to be a strapping young lad, afraid of nothing much at all. He's old enough now that he could be playing for Hythe & Dibden, but the truth is, he doesn't like football very much. There's more to life than just this old game, but crikey, for those of us that enjoy it, it ain't half fun sometimes!

There should be one more report this season, so check back in a week or two for that!

23. Tadley-Calleva FC

The entrance to Tadley-Calleva's pitch is hidden behind the changing rooms.

So, what does Calleva mean exactly? Town, Athletic, United - these are all quickly understood football club suffixes, but Calleva is unique.

Well, Calleva (or Calleva Atrebatum, to be more accurate) is the Latin name for the nearby settlement of Silchester, which has a well-preserved area of ancient walls and, perhaps more excitingly, a real-life, actual Roman amphitheatre. You can regularly see archaeologists working hard at the site, digging away (very carefully), dusting off fragments of mosaic and occasionally discovering an old coin or two.

From their studies, we know that there was a primitive form of football played at the amphitheatre, often involving teams of trained wild bears (see the photo below for an artist's impression of what this type of football may have looked like). From carefully pieced together fragments of writing on clay tablets, we know that one of the teams that regularly played at the amphitheatre was called Calleva Nil Satis Nisi Optimum (Silchester Nothing But The Best Is Good Enough FC). We can only speculate as to the ancient rules, but I'm sure it must have been very entertaining for the locals.

A wild and fierce bear playing football at Roman Silchester's amphitheatre.

Details
Tadley-Calleva FC (0) 0 v 0 (0) Ringwood Town FC
Saturday 24th March 2012
Sydenham's Wessex League Division One
Attendance: 38 (headcount)
Entrance: £4
Programme: £1
Club shop: No (nor is there a clubhouse until next season - currently under construction)
Colours: Yellow / black / black v All red
National Grid reference: SU6062

Tadley-Calleva's Barlows Park ground as seen from the nearby heathland.

From these venerable roots grew the modern-day football club of Tadley-Calleva FC. Note the hyphen in the name - a pedant's joy - the hyphen being a strong elasticated rope which binds together the present-day town of Tadley in north Hampshire with its 2,000 year-old predecessor. There can be no hiding that they're proud of their heritage around these parts - that hyphen is a giveaway.

Today's Tadley is positioned close to the Atomic Weapons Establishment at Aldermaston. An aerial view of the surrounding area reveals several weapons bunkers within a mile of Barlows Park. Between the football ground and the weapons facility lies a heath, golden with gorse flowers at this time of the year. Stonechats would normally be found in habitat like this, crackling and twizzling away, but I didn't see any on Saturday.

The neat and tidy stand at Tadley-Calleva FC, the letters T and C written in gold.

Barlows Park lies on the north side of what is now called Silchester Road, or, far more interestingly, the old Devil's Highway to Londinium. You can just about imagine the old blues singer Robert Johnson standing at the crossroads behind the ground, selling his soul to the devil (after a swift appetiser of Pretzel dusted calamari, marinara sauce & mustard aioli in the Broomsquire Hotel - Sky Sports is available there).

The trouble with Tadley-Calleva's ground being on the north side of the Devil's Highway is that this is the boundary between Hampshire and Berkshire - which means that the match that I watched on Saturday took place outside of my home county. However, as the town of Tadley lies totally within Hants, barring the football ground, I'm still counting them as a Hampshire club. Otherwise, the new name for this blog would be Hopping Around Hampshire Incorporating Bumbling Around Berkshire, making it sound like an amalgamation of 1970s comics (see Whizzer & Chips Incorporating Topper - if that even existed - must check).

An obedient puppy posing for the camera at Tadley-Calleva.

Barlows Park is a new ground, built in 2007 on an old landfill site. I guess if future archaeologists dig down beneath the pitch, they might find a great deal of evidence of 20th century civilisation - old Marmite jars, fragments of comics incorporating other comics, mustard seeds, etc. As fascinating to people in 2,000 years time as the Roman excavations at Silchester are to us now. They wouldn't find any old tea bags or drinks cartons from Saturday's match however, as the refreshments hut wasn't open. They're currently building a new clubhouse next to the changing rooms, so there should be food and drink available to visitors next season.

As a new facility - shared with Reading's women's football team - there aren't any rickety old stands to admire at Barlows Park. There's a nice new one which provided some ice-cool relief from the heat, and was more full than is usual at the smaller clubs that I've visited, where people often gather around the clubhouse. The whole place is neat and tidy and as pleasant as a Mr Whippy 99 on a warm day. Grizzliness and character will come with age, and at only five years old, there's no wrinkles at Tadley quite yet.

The unused refreshments hut.

I'm not trying to avoid mentioning the match, but there's not much to write about it. I'd had high hopes for this one, as both clubs had been on a good run recently (barring an 8-0 home defeat for the hosts last week). Not only that, but the last Wessex League Division One match I'd watched (AFC Portchester v Team Solent) had produced nine goals. And what's more, Tadley-Calleva had featured in my favourite game from last season, a 4-3 defeat at Andover New Street.

But like a lot of hotly-anticipated matches, this one finished 0-0. Tadders (as they call themselves, sounding like a commentator on Test Match Special) had several good chances, including two virtually open goals to aim at. Sadly, they must have been watching the penalty takers in the recent Six Nations rugby tournament a little too closely, as almost every shot went high over the bar. As Tadders' net custodian kept yelling: "Composure!"

No composure = no goals.

I wonder if the wild and fierce Roman bears could have done any better?

Ringwood Town on the attack.

I'll finish off with two short quizzes on Roman town names and Latin football mottos, for no better reason than I like setting quizzes.

We've learnt that Calleva Atrebatum = Silchester. Which English towns were once known by the following Latin names:

1. Venta Bulgarum
2. Noviomagus
3. Deva
4. Aquae Sulis
5. Durovernum

Upon whose club crests would you find the following Latin mottos:

1. Nil Satis Nisi Optimum
2. Arte et Labore
3. Audere est Facere
4. Superbia in Proelia
5. Domus Clamantium

Extra-special speccy kudos if you can translate any of the phrases.

The last motto would almost certainly be a pointless answer on TV's Pointless. And as that show's Richard Osman might say: "See how many you can get at home"

I'll post the answers in the comments in a few days.

A life-sized aluminium model of the Michelin Man's body next to the turnstile at Tadley-Calleva.

A nice day out at Tadders, despite the lack of goals, and if I achieve nothing else in my life, at least I've managed to squeeze a mention of mustard aioli in to a football report, which may be a world first.

There'll be two more featured matches this season, both appearing after Easter...