End of Season Roller Round-Up 2013/2014

Revealed at last! The secret night-time roller of Bracknell Town!

My fellow bloggers are all very good at one thing or another. If you're looking at this on a PC, over on the right, you'll see a link to Neil Cotton's Row Z. Neil is an occasional contributor to When Saturday Comes and writes match reports on his blog covering clubs in South Hampshire. But what he's particularly good at is his statistical pieces. If I think of Row Z, I think of graphs of crowd figures. Have a look, they're very interesting.

Skif at Departing Havant... has a unique way with phrases which make his match reports covering Havant & Waterlooville a good read even if you have no interest in the club he supports.

Derek Hammond and Gary Silke at Got, Not Got are so good at writing that they make a living out of it (see the brilliant Got, Not Got and The Lost World Of Football in WH Smith or Waterstones next time you're browsing their bookshelves. You'll end up buying them both).

For smirks and titters, I turn to Kenny Legg at Adventures In Tinpot. If pictures of hirsute German football fans covered in patched denim is your thing, then head off to AiT.

For photography, you can't beat Jerry at The Onion Bag's photo diaries. He mostly covers northern clubs, but has been to Hampshire to see the likes of Bashley and Petersfield Town. If you start browsing his blog, make sure you start early - you'll be there all evening.

Now, if I could combine the writing skills of Skif, Derek and Gary with the statistical analysis of Neil, the humour of Adventures In Tinpot and the photography of The Onion Bag, then I would have a heck of a blog here. However, I'm known for none of these things. Instead, I have the reputation of being the Rusty Roller Man.

So, if I have to be typecast, let's get on with 2013/14's End Of Season Roller Round-up right here, right now...

Oh, hang on, there's another one!

The first two pictures are from Bracknell Town, and were sent to me by my pal Jeremy at Kidlington FC. These two rollers were securely locked up in a compound on my own visit to Bracknell last September, but had been allowed out for Kidlington's floodlit visit. Perhaps they can only come out at night, like bats. Or vampires. I'd keep well away from them if I were to visit Bracknell again. Evil, blood-sucking rollers...ugh, the very thought!

Quivering away in the brambles at AFC Portchester. Not sure I like the look of that thing with chains.

The roller at AFC Portchester (above) looks like it's being stalked by some kind of Wicked Chain Creature, the sort of thing that rises from the depths of the earth in the Portchester area at full moon, hungry for rust. They don't move whilst you're looking at them, but turn around to watch the match for a minute or two, and you may notice that it's crept a few inches towards the poor old roller in the meantime.

Or has it?

A standard issue roller at Downton FC.

Jeez, I'm starting to scare myself a bit here...

Nothing sinister at Downton, as we spy Henry by the dressing rooms. A standard, common-or-garden roller, Henry has lived at Downton's ground for many years, occasionally being moved to flatten the goalmouths after a particulary rip-roaringly muddy match. Definitely nothing wrong here, unless...that's not another one of those Chain Creatures licking the rust off of Henry's parts, is it?

A mad inventor's flying machine at Downton FC.

Poor old Henry. Perhaps this magical contraption will come to his rescue? Some kind of mad inventor's flying machine design from the 19th century come to life by the entrance at Downton. Wind it up, jump on the back (careful of the rotating blades), and let's fly to Henry and save him! What do you mean, the blades would clearly rotate straight in to that bush? Nonsense! Let's believe!

Attempting to keep warm next to a brazier at Andover Town.

Shivering away in the winter sun next to an empty brazier is this Norwich City supporting roller from the Portway Stadium, home of Andover Town. At least, the green and yellow colours indicate that there's a Norwich connection. Must be feeling a bit sad after the Canaries' relegation. Let's go and find some old sticks, build up a fire and keep the old fella company. We'll cook some chestnuts, melt some marshmallows and down a few beers! I'm sure if Norwich keep the backbone of last season's squad and add a few new faces, they'll be back soon enough, mate!

(I was actually wondering if this roller was sat next to a fire to keep the creepy night creatures away, but I think we've been silly enough already).

A monstrous pair of chaps keeping guard over the cars outside Sholing's ground. No messing with these two!

And inside the Silverlake, a mottled old fella who would be well camouflaged if only he were sitting on a concrete path.

No concerns about keeping the creatures of the night at bay at Sholing with their two big rusty monsters keeping guard outside the stadium, like a pair of well-muscled bouncers. Needing protection inside was the rather weedy specimen above, the Walter The Softy of the roller world. Camouflaged whilst on concrete, vulnerable elsewhere, it must have felt fortunate that its big ruddy mates were there to protect it (or should that be "ruddy big mates"?).

Lining up for inspection at Midhurst & Easebourne FC.

With no other rusty old equipment on show at matches I've reported on since Christmas (with the exception of that attached to the gentlemen of the FA at Wembley...thanks for that joke, Ed!), we move on to Sussex County League Midhurst & Easebourne, whom I watched towards the end of the season. I'd heard about the amount of rusting hulks they have lounging around and had to go and see them for myself. I wasn't disappointed, as there were 10 (TEN!) rollers lolling about around the pitch, sprouting hither and thither like weeds.

Two more rollers growing like weeds at Midhurst.

Most of Midhurst's rollers are behind one goal, near what looks like a 14th century peasants' hut, painstakingly reassembled and all ready to transport to the Weald and Downland Open Air Museum at Singleton - presumably it was an old pavilion or changing rooms, long since fallen in to disuse. A highly photogenic ground and an enjoyable day out.

Easy to spot this silvery beast in the groundsman's shed at Gillingham Town. But can you see any corner flags in the picture above?

My final league match of the season was at Gillingham Town in Dorset. They had a lengthy silver sausage of a roller in their groundsman's shed. They have to be careful when taking this one outside in case the sun's rays reflect off of it and shine in to the eyes of any passing train drivers on the main Paddington to Exeter* line which passes by the ground.

*It may not be the Paddington to Exeter line - I'm just guessing.

That Rusty Roller Man reputation...I just bring it on myself, don't I? Other round-ups can be viewed by clicking on the "Rollers etc" tag.

Enjoy the World Cup everyone. And if anybody has any Panini Brasil 2014 sticker swaps, let me know - I have many.

The 3rd Annual Festive Parade of Rusty Rollers

The Cobra at Brockenhurst FC.

Welcome to Hopping Around Hampshire's third annual Festive Parade Of Rusty Rollers! Make yourself at home whilst I present the first half of the 2013/14 season's collection of non-league groundsmen's equipment.

I thought I was never going to see a new roller again after starting the season at Pompey, Romsey Town and Hythe & Dibden - only Romsey had one on show, and I've featured that one before. Luckily, I do go to matches other than the ones I write about on here, so a visit to Brockenhurst for their FA Cup game with Folland Sports at the end of August came up trumps with what I've christened "The Cobra", due to its bent handle/neck. Hissss!

Spotting The Cobra was a good thing. However, I was gutted to see that Tabitha Tractor had gone. Still one of my favourite Hampshire grounds though, even without the old girl.

On a breezeblock at Kidlington FC.

I'm following Hampshire clubs in the FA Vase this season, so I've filed reports from outside the county from time to time. There were rollers at all three "foreign" fields I've visited thus far. Unfortunately, I failed to photograph the one at Bracknell Town - I only spotted it on my way out of the ground, through some wooden slats in a compound. Shyness overcame me as I suddenly believed that everyone was watching me (it is a bit weird snapping these things, after all), so I walked on past, whistling a tuneless tune of regret.

On my next Vase trip to Kidlington, I had a beer in the clubhouse before the match, and somehow, all shyness disappeared. I was straight outta the bar, my dander well and truly up as I spotted a roller on a breezeblock and some old grass-cutting equipment attempting to hide in the undergrowth.

Andover New Street's roller had a front row seat for their bonfire in November.

During a break from the Vase, I revisited Andover New Street on the day of their bonfire party, and thank goodness I did, as I found the old fella above, cowering near the huge pile of wood that would later go up in flames. I patted it and comforted it and assured it that everything would be fine - "You're made out of metal mate, they won't burn you"...

Andover New Street's overworked leaf-picker having a well-earned rest.

...also at New Street was an overworked and stressed leaf-picker, resting against the back of a dugout after a busy morning's work clearing the pitch for their match against Fleet Spurs.

Hidden out of sight at Odd Down (Bath).

Back on the Vase trail in November, it was time to go to Bath for some Christmas shopping and a match at Odd Down. No groundsmen's equipment around the pitch, but through a gap in a gate, I could see Les B's rusty lump of old iron. And was that a white line painter behind?

Moneyfields to the rescue!

You can always trust Moneyfields to come up with some rusty gems. At their abandoned Vase match with Bitton a fortnight ago, I found many many pieces of much-loved equipment lying around. I think I may have snapped the above roller before, but it was in a different place, so I'm counting it for a second time. Tick! Behind the roller was a rather exciting mini-dumper truck, which several small boys found irresistible as an oversized toy throughout the match.

Lined up ready for inspection at Moneyfields.

Beside the stand was more equipment, including an old watering can. Nice, but not as fascinating as these wheelbarrows, all lined up on parade ready for inspection. Oi, Yellow Wheels! Have a wash!

A proper turnstile at Bracknell Town FC.

To make up for the episode of shyness at Bracknell, I'm ending this Festive Parade not with a roller, but with one of The Robins' splendid old turnstiles. Part of what made their Larges Lane ground my favourite new ground of the first half of the season.

Previous Festive Parades can be found here and here. End of season round ups are here and here.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my readers. And who made the 40,000th page view just before I started typing this morning? Probably a spambot.

Bracknell Town v Hartley Wintney

Welcome signs old and new at Bracknell Town FC.

Have I told you about my workmate who wouldn't eat food with holes in? I haven't? Well, it all came out recently when one of our colleagues brought doughnuts in to the office to celebrate his birthday. These weren't the squishy, sugar-crusted variety with strawberry jam squelching out of the middle. No, these were doughnuts with holes, as eaten by Homer Simpson.

My workmate (we'll call him Cyril - not his real name) refused to have one, despite being a good pal of the birthday boy. He insisted that food with holes was "just plain wrong" - no other reason, just "plain wrong". Of course, we had to go through every hole-ridden food we could think of to test him out...Polo mints, pretzels, spaghetti hoops (and what about letters with holes in Alphabetti Spaghetti? Your B's and P's, etc? Are E's and Y's okay to eat?).

Of course, in the end, he had to admit to liking some of these foods. I mean, how can Party Rings be wrong? We found more holes in his argument than there are in a kilo of emmenthal.

Bracknell Town FC's main stand is dwarfed by a nearby college building.

Details:
Bracknell Town FC (1) 1 v 2 (0) Hartley Wintney FC
FA Vase 2nd Qualifying Round
Saturday 21st September 2013
Attendance: Overheard a club official saying they'd broken the 100 barrier.
Admission: £6
Programme: £1 (superb, the best I've seen since Hartley Wintney's two seasons ago)
Colours: All red v All blue
National Grid reference: SU8768 / SU8769

The Stripey End...

Reader's voice: Is there any point to this story, Andy? We want to read about Bracknell Town v Hartley Wintney here, not about this silly Cyril guy.

Hmmm, not really, unless you count the blackberries growing wild at Bracknell's Larges Lane ground as non-holey food - I think Cyril would like them.

Reader: Oh, come on, tell us why you were there...

Okay, I travelled outside of Hampshire for the first time in this blog's history because I'm attempting to follow Hampshire clubs in the FA Vase this season. Doesn't matter where they play, so long as I can get there and back in reasonable time - I won't be travelling to the north-east, for example, if any of the county's teams are drawn to play the likes of Billingham Synthonia or Whitley Bay in a later round. That's not going to happen for a while though, as the rounds are drawn on a regional basis for the time being.

It was Hartley Wintney's turn this time out.

...Oh, hang on, it's actually Tractor Corner!

Reader: Right, that's better. What was the ground like? Weren't Bracknell Town a Southern League club up until recently?

Yes, they played at a higher level than their current status suggests for around a quarter of a century. They were relegated to the Hellenic League in 2010. Because they played in the Southern and Isthmian Leagues for so long, Larges Lane is relatively well-developed for a step 5 club.

You enter via one of three beautifully preserved "proper" turnstiles (not one of those rubbish modern contraptions that you have to swipe a barcode to enter). Immediately to your left as you go in is a small brick-built stand which houses the directors and around 50 fans on red or white plastic seats. In front of this stand are a pair of disused dugouts - no longer needed in these days of multiple substitutes.

Moving along clockwise, you come to a second well-built stand, with around 100 red plastic seats. The poles holding up the roof are made of wood and have been painted bright red over the summer. Very smart.

A view along the side of Larges Lane showing the two seated areas and (just visible), one of the covered standing areas.

Reader: Good, good. You mentioned blackberries. Where are they?

Yes, the blackberries are over the far side from the two stands. Rotting away, they were. If you enjoy free wild fruit at football grounds, get to Larges Lane as soon as possible. And bring an ice cream tub or something similar if you want to take some home. I'm sure the club won't mind.

Reader: Mmm, I fancy some of that. Anything else worth mentioning about the ground or the town itself?

Yes, there's plenty more to look at. There are two covered three-step terraces - the one behind the goal is painted in fetching red and white stripes. A local character has his own seat made out of an upturned crate or something similar at this end. He'll probably say hello to you as you walk past. The other terrace contains a press box for two reporters, one of whom brings his westie to the match.

There's also a cosy clubhouse and a rusty roller (although the roller is locked away in a compound and difficult to spot). It's a nice ground.

As for Bracknell itself, I don't know much. It was mostly built in the late 1950s and early 1960s as a new town (the football club is much older - there was a village there before Bracknell New Town was built around it). There are 79 subways. And it was the home of the Met Office before it was relocated to Exeter.

Question: What's a dog's favourite county? Answer: Barkshire!

Reader: Thanks Andy, this is most informative. The Met Office, eh? I wonder if you could write about the match itself using as many weather references as possible? Did it rain goals? Was there a frosty reception for Hartley Wintney? Did the red mist descend upon any of the players? Heh heh.

Hey, you should be writing this, not me. Anyway, Bracknell got off to a breezy start, scoring after five minutes with a bolt from the blue, and by the glistening rainbow beard of Roy G Biv, it was a terrific goal - a thunderous volley from just inside the box.

Their high pressure start nearly paid off again five minutes later, but the linesman rained on their parade by raising his flag for offside.

Hartley Wintney weathered the early storm, but the outlook was grim for them. The rest of the first half descended into the doldrums with no more goals for either side. However, this was the calm before the force ten gale. Despite being a goal to the good, there were clouds on the horizon for the home side.

Tackling and leaping action as Bracknell Town win the ball.

Hartley Wintney must have had a thunderbolt delivered by their management team at half-time, as they swept down the pitch with the regularity and ferocity of the Mistral early in the second period. They equalised when Jack Coventry struck the ball past the Bracknell keeper with the deadly accuracy of a Midwestern twister.

Lightning struck a second time seven minutes later with a long ball out of defence and an ice-cold finish past the home side's netminder. More goals were confidently forecast, but none came.

In the last ten minutes, Bracknell flooded forward looking for a second goal which would have taken the tie into extra-time. They hit the bar and had the follow-up shot cleared off the line, but that was that.

Deep depression for the Robins of Bracknell Town as they exited the Vase. A blue sky day for Hampshire heroes Hartley Wintney.

Right, there must be more weather-related football expressions. What did I miss?

Bracknell Town's press box, post-match.

In the previous round, I saw Hythe & Dibden beat Oldland Abbotonians. They won again on Saturday - this time away to local rivals, the higher-ranked Totton & Eling. Thus, Hythe & Dibden and Hartley Wintney were both in Monday's draw for the First Round Proper.

The nine ties involving Hampshire clubs are:

Newhaven v Cove
Winchester City v Sholing
Kidlington v Lymington Town
Highmoor Ibis v Folland Sports
Abingdon United v Fareham Town
Hartley Wintney v Petersfield Town
Moneyfields v Christchurch
Bradford Town v AFC Portchester
Alresford Town v Hythe & Dibden

I hope to be at one of these on October 19th.

Reader: Glad to hear that, but please don't go off on one about Party Rings and emmenthal next time, eh?

Bracknell Town's  report of the match can be found on their website here.