End of Season Roller Round-Up 2014/2015

Wimborne Town. MOIST.

If you work for a large employer, you might have to endure a yearly report with your immediate line manager, in which you have to prove how you have conformed to the company's values over the previous reporting period. The values will all have names - they will be something like "Customer Focussed", "Inspirational" and suchlike. (There's a definite advantage to working for a small company or being self-employed - you can actually get on with your work at this time of the year).

What if pranksters took control of this farrago? What if pranksters took over at the FA* and deemed that non-league groundsmen's equipment had to conform to random bizarre values to justify their existence? What if pranksters created a Random Value Generator and handed out 1,000 different adjectives to our country's army of rusty rollers? Would the old boys be able to conform?

Well, it just so happens that I was given the pranksters' provisional list and was trusted to pull out random values from a fictional hat to give out to some of the rollers that I've photographed over the second half of the season. They were handed out as part of a pilot project last August. Let's see how they performed...

The first value out of the hat last summer was MOIST, which was allocated to Wimborne Town's roller. Well, it must have tried very hard to conform, judging by the amount of rust growing on the left-hand side. Not totally rusty though, so it wouldn't get top marks in the pranksters' grading system. A good pass, though.

*Some people might claim that pranksters already run the FA, but never mind, bear with me on this one...

Laverstock & Ford. KITTENISH.

Salisbury's Laverstock & Ford were given the value of KITTENISH to conform to. A good effort from them, as they encouraged a breeding programme early on which produced this endearing baby roller. It was certainly kittenish upon my visit in January as I threw it a ball of wool to play with. It soon got tangled up and had to be rescued by Mummy Roller. A lot of licking and a good sleep later, and it was ready to go again with a ping pong ball attached to a scratching post.

Baby's name is Charlotte.

Wantage Town. TIMOROUS.

Wantage Town's roller had no problem in living up to its value of TIMOROUS. A wee timorous beastie indeed, as it hid itself under a pile of straggly weeds outside of the main pitch area. He took some finding, as I had to wander out of the ballboy's gate at half-time and search the local hedgerows until I found him. He'd even tried growing some moss on his right-hand side to make himself less visible in the undergrowth.

You can't hide from me though, matey! My rusty roller sixth sense will always dig you out...

Liphook United. HARDCORE (YOU KNOW THE SCORE).

Liphook United's roller was asked to live up to the random value of HARDCORE (YOU KNOW THE SCORE). He took this to mean non-stop partying with his mates, the wooden pallets. Looks like the pallets suffered rather badly in the latest party. They'll regret hanging out with Liphook's roller tomorrow morning. Not sure even a pint of Alka-Seltzer will repair that damage...

Hamworthy United. BONHOMOUS.

Hamworthy United's roller had to look up the meaning of BONHOMOUS when it was allocated. When he realised that it meant he just had to be friendly and jovial, he invited over his best friend the heavy-duty orange wheelbarrow for a few snifters of brandy and an evening of tall stories. It was such a success that they had the blue bicycle over the next time. The bicycle felt saddled with expectations, but he spoke about the time he won the Tour de France, tyring out his companions with his lengthy story. They all had a wheely good time and then stayed on to watch Hamworthy's match with Petersfield.

Nice rust, by the way!

Swindon Supermarine. BODACIOUS.

Swindon Supermarine's roller was handed the value of BODACIOUSNESS at the start of last season. Previously a nondescript lead-coloured roller of no great merit, it made a tremendous effort during the season to live up to its allocated value. The addition of hard-rocking spikes impressed the pranksters no end as they gave out their highest award of Mega-Super-Dope-A-Star-Plus. Supermarine's roller can be seen on stage at Download Festival in June replacing late dropouts Five Finger Death Punch on Slipknot's under-bill. He'll be puncturing the stage ready to drain the headliners' rocking pools of heavy sweat to the sounds of the si-i-ckest guitar licks known to man.

Verwood Town. SI-I-I-I-ICK.

Talking of si-i-ick, Verwood Town's roller had trouble interpreting its value of SI-I-I-I-ICK. Frankly, he had no idea what it meant. No spikes, no tattoos of Iron Maiden's Eddie mascot, no attempt to paint itself black...disappointing, and an official warning received for next season to pull its leather socks up or face expulsion from the League of Non-League Rollers.

Incidentally, the values of SI-I-ICK and SI-I-I-ICK were allocated to Thetford Town and Cullompton Rangers's rollers respectively. They both did much better.

Bangor City. SHRIVELLED.

At the start of 2014/15, Bangor City's roller was a two tonne behemoth, but when allocated the value of SHRIVELLED by the FA's pranksters (in cahoots with the Welsh FA's own pranksters), it went on a crash diet, losing 1.99 tonnes over the course of the last nine months, making the cover of Diet Weekly magazine in the meantime as its Groundsmen's Rusty Equipment Slimmer Of The Year. An amazing achievement, and a worthy winner.

Pagham FC. HAPPY-GO-LUCKY.

I visited Sussex County League Pagham FC in the Spring when Havant & Waterlooville, Pompey and Romsey Town were all playing away. A nice ground with two rollers. The one in the pic above was asked to be HAPPY-GO-LUCKY by the pranksters. By the time I arrived in March, it looked absolutely cream crackered after a season of giving rides around the pitch to dogs, cats, small children and squirrels (you can see scratch marks on the seat as some of the animals tried to leap off when they became scared). It had also been involved in Roller v Wheelbarrow racing contests for the previous eight months. No wonder it looked the worse for wear upon my arrival.

Enough of this nonsense. Previous roller round-ups can be seen by clicking on the "Rollers etc" label on the right. Some of them were relatively sensible...

Thanks to everyone who popped in to read HAH this season (or if you just stopped by to look at the pictures, that's okay too!). Thanks also to all the American, Russian and Ukrainian automated false referral sites that leave their mark in the stats. If it wasn't for your efforts, I would have several thousand less page views! I still won't be clicking on your links, mind.

Back in a couple of weeks with some statistical stuff and some more photos.

Wantage Town v Bashley

Valentine's Day treat at Wantage Town FC.

I try not to bore you with the minutiae of my life. I don't tell you what I had for breakfast on the day of the match*. I don't tell you who I was texting that morning, or what memes we were swapping**. I don't tell you which A roads, B roads and byways I drove along and whether the traffic was behaving on the way to the town where a match was being played. I don't tell you where I went for lunch and with whom when I arrive at my destination. Why would you want to know these things?

But I'll make an exception this time, because what happened upon arrival in Wantage on Saturday was exceptional.

I usually travel with members of my family who aren't interested in football - we go to a town together, have lunch in a cafe, then I leave them to mooch around whilst I'm at the match. And so it was in Wantage on Saturday.

We arrived. We found a car park. We parked. We set off on foot for the town centre. We start walking up a hill towards Wantage's main square. We see a boy in a souped up Vauxhall Astra loudly bombing down the hill as fast as he can towards a blind corner. We notice a cafe across the road. We hear a loud bang.

* A mixture of Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Corn Flakes with raisins and runny honey, washed down with tea, since you didn't ask.

** I can barely switch on my phone, let alone send a meme. That's those things with big fluffy cats on saying "U WOT M8", aren't they? I try to keep up.

For all your koi carp needs...

Details:
Wantage Town FC (0) 2 v 0 (0) Bashley FC
Evo-Stik Southern League Division One South & West
Saturday 14th February 2015
Attendance: 100 (official count)
Admission: £8
Programme: £1
Colours: Green and white hoops / white / green and white v Gold / black / black
National Grid reference: SU3987

Wantage Town's stands.

Well, this boy lost control of his pride and joy at the bottom of the hill and smashed straight in to a house on the bend. It made a dull boom of a noise. Of course, we had to run back down the hill to help anybody who was injured. I got to the scene just after several other closer witnesses - the car was a write-off, but the boy had already got out of his vehicle and was standing next to it, sobbing. With no passengers, nobody at home in the crumpled house, and nobody on the pavement at the time, there were - amazingly - no injuries.

Ambulances, fire engines and police cars all turned up. The road was cordoned off for the rest of the day, and the incident made headlines in the local newspaper. This was big news in Wantage (48 hours later, and the story is still number one in the most-read list on their website. To put this in perspective, at number five is a report on a sale at a local department store where a woman bought a jacket at a bargain £14...).

So, we arrive in Wantage, and the first thing we see is a self-inflicted car crash. Whatever is this place like?!

We enter a shop of curiosities just off of the square. The owner greets us but says she can't talk right now because she's just listening to the radio. Apparently, there's been a crash in town. She turns the radio off when she hears our eye-witness account. Much better than the radio. Having a first-hand account of the story makes her day. She assures us that this sort of thing never happens round here, but I can't help feeling nervous walking towards Wantage's football ground.

Bashley Bear goes to Wantage. Favourite player: Robbie Pethick.

After witnessing a real-life car crash, you hesitate to use the term as a simile for Bashley's season (indeed, most of their recent history). Near-death puts football into perspective.

I have a soft spot for The Bash. My soft spot for them is softer than a moleskin cushion stuffed full of eider duck feathers and bushy squirrels' tails. But along with many other people, they've had a hard time recently. I sat amongst their directors at an FA Cup match at Hartley Wintney in 2011. The writing was on the wall then, as they talked openly about the lack of money at the club and about how deeply the playing budget would have to be cut for the club to survive.

Then they came within a squirrel's whisker of merging with nearby Wessex League New Milton Town in 2013, which would have seen them move away from their home ground in the village of Bashley and move in with their townie neighbours. It would have meant them dropping out of the Southern League and starting again in the Wessex League as a brand new club.

These plans fell through and the club carried on, but with no money to spend, they had to stop paying their players. Of course, if people aren't being paid at least expenses for long trips to Gloucestershire and Devon every other Saturday, it becomes very difficult to retain the talented players and to recruit new ones. Unsurprisingly, despite the heart and endeavour shown by the current team, Bashley are bottom of the league for the second season running and look certain to be relegated to the Wessex League.

Barnstorming run down the left from Bashley's Dammy Bada.

Bashley still have loyal (and loud) supporters, who never stopped cheering on their boys at Wantage. There were around 15 people following the side from the New Forest, which is about the same as several clubs in the much higher-ranked Conference South bring to Havant & Waterlooville on an average Saturday (I'm thinking of you, Weston-Super-Mare, Boreham Wood, Whitehawk, etc).

With the two sides having a combined record of P58, W6, D7, L45, F44, A178, Pts25, I wasn't expecting a high-scoring classic, and so it proved. The first half passed by without me making a single note in my notebook. There was no lack of effort, but Wantage have had problems too (they are one of at least three clubs in the division who don't pay their players - Fleet Town are another, and I'd be surprised if Bishops Cleeve do, as they are the other club adrift with Bashley at the bottom).

The home fans were convinced that Bashley's keeper was wasting time after just five minutes when he banged his boots up against the goalpost to shake off some mud before taking a goal kick (there was a lot of mud after the previous day's rain). "Book him ref! Look how long he's taking!" As if Bash had come to Oxfordshire looking for a 0-0 draw - I don't think so!

This advert amused me. The next board gives the address of an optician, but I prefer it without context.

The second half was better. Still not a belter, but at least there were a few more efforts on goal. Unfortunately for Bashley, the only two efforts that counted were both at the wrong end of the pitch. At 75 minutes and still at 0-0, Bash still had hope of victory and an outside chance of catching Wantage in the table and thus avoiding relegation.

It was at this point that a home player went down injured just inside Bashley's half with Wantage in possession. More than one homester shouted for the ball to be put out of play, and it looked as if one of the players in possession was just about to do just this, but he changed his mind and passed the ball to their right-winger instead. Bashley's defenders had stopped and Ben Whitehead was away, with no chance of catching him. He shot - the keeper saved, but the ball rebounded straight to George Reid who side-footed home from close range.

Bashley's fans and coaching staff were incensed, but there had been no rules broken, so there was nothing the referee could do about it. A last minute free-kick from Sam Barder sealed Bash's fate, both in this match, and for the rest of the season. There will be no coming back now.

So it looks as though Bashley will be playing the likes of Fawley and Brockenhurst next season. Their true fans won't desert them, and one day, the club will be back.

Wantage Town's second goal, direct from a free-kick in the 92nd minute.

Did you notice the bear sat on the plastic seat in one of the photos above? He's one of Bashley's teddy fans. There's another one in their bar wearing the same bobble hat. When I'm older and less busy with work and family, I shall offer my services to one of the local non-league clubs to help out around the ground on a match day, and perhaps assist with writing articles for their programme.

One item I see quite often in programmes is a "Focus On..." type feature. If you don't mind, I'd just like to practice writing one of these pieces by interviewing the bear before I sign off...

NAME: Van Broccoli Bear (I was named after Dutch goalkeeper Hans van Breukelen, hero of the Euro 88 winners).

DATE OF BIRTH: June 1st 1988.

PLACE OF BIRTH: Toys R Us

FAVOURITE TEAM: Bashley

FAVOURITE FOOTBALLER: Robbie Pethick, ex-Portsmouth defender. I do a good impression of him - it's my party piece. I also admire ex-Huddersfield Town midfielder Chris Billy.

FAVOURITE FOOD: Marmalade. And Hunny. Obviously, I'm a bear.

FAVOURITE DRINK: Lager, and lots of it. Obviously, I'm a bear.

MISCELLANEOUS LIKES: Hiding under a pile of stuff in a cupboard, safe from harm.

MISCELLANEOUS DISLIKES: People putting their fingers in the hole in my neck and pulling out my stuffing. I also dislike being carried upside down by the chain on my neck.

WHICH FAMOUS PERSON WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO MEET?: Adrian Chiles. I look a bit like him. I wonder if we're related?

Thank you, Van Broccoli! That was excellent practice for me for when I interview real people in the future!

Floodlights shining through the gloom.

There are proper match reports from The Freds'*** website here and fellow-blogger Sheridan Sparkes on South Coast Journalism here. Having just seen pictures of Sheridan on his blog, I think we may have spoken briefly at half-time, so a belated hello to you, Sheridan!

I have plans to visit a Wessex League club in Dorset when they host the current league leaders in March. After that, I intend to drive to north Wiltshire to see another Southern League game. As for my next report, I'm dithering a little at the moment, but I may go to a Hampshire Premier Football League ground on 28th February. It depends a little on the weather though, as the club I'm thinking of has no cover. Something to ponder over the next ten days or so. Wherever I end up, I'm just hoping I don't witness another car crash.

*** Wantage Town's nickname is one of the best in all of football. They are known as The Freds, due to the fact that King Alfred was born in the town.