End of Season Roller Round-Up 2017/18

Four Marks FC

I should really stop entering internet competitions. I've never won one. I never will.

There was one at the end of the season on a start-up site sponsored by a betting company. Why they set their website up in April, so close to the end of 2017/18, I don't know. Anyway, they were offering big prizes for a poetry competition:

Send us your poems about rollers and you could win £1,000 in cash, plus a season ticket for your favourite club!

Well, this competition looked too good to be true. I had to enter. No chance of winning, obviously, but if I didn't try, I'd regret it forever. Or at least 30 seconds, and then I'd forget all about it.

I had writer's block. I couldn't get beyond the following, extremely trite ditty:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Rollers are rusty
And so are you!

Well, if they only had one entry, I would win, so why not?

AFC Stoneham

I logged in to the website, typed out my terrible poem (feeling a little embarrassed, to be honest) and forgot all about it.

A week later, I bumped in to an old friend. He told me he'd got a job with this betting company in the marketing department. Unbelievably, it had been him that had come up with the idea of the poetry competition! I bought him beers for the rest of the evening whilst he showed me the other entrants on his smartphone. For example, this effort about the roller at AFC Stoneham:

Misty, cadaverous, as old as Stonehenge
The haunted roller appears
Forgotten, desperate, seeking revenge
Coffin-bound for eight thousand years
Howling with hatred, tormenting the innocent
The haunted roller appears
The rusted zombie groundsman's equipment
Of your nightmares and day fears

I couldn't help it. I shouted out:

Who ya gonna call? Roller Busters!

My old friend laughed and agreed it was a bit of an overwrought effort.
 

Havant & Waterlooville

Then there was this one about the moppy rollers at National League Havant & Waterlooville:

Another wet day in Havant
The thirtieth day in a row
Another day for their rollers
To be our spongey heroes

Slurp it up and regurgitate
Like a parent hawk for its chick
This pitch needs to be puddle-free
We need it to be in good nick!

I didn't like the last line. I told my friend it didn't scan properly. He had no idea what I was talking about. He'd never read a poem in his life. He said he'd put it to one side. If there was nothing better, he'd consider it for the prize. I rolled my eyes.

Borth United

Then he showed me this one about the roller at Mid Wales League Borth United:

Come hippie missiles and fall on Borth
Loaded with unicorns and glitter and flowers
Give the team strength to rise up and finish fourth
And give the players wings and laser boots and other super powers

Well, that was so poor, I was beginning to think my trite effort had a chance. One thousand pounds! I could see me renting an open-topped bus for the day, buying myself a cheap trophy and riding up and down Shirley High Street waving my cup around as if I'd just personally won the Champions League.

Dream on, baby. There were more poems...

Bishop's Waltham Dynamos

The next one sounded quite meaningful. For the first time that evening, I was worried:

In a world of circles
He felt like a hexagon
Every divot judged as a jerk.
He wished he had feet and legs.
"I can't avoid the broken glass,
The fox, the goose, the dog shit,
The rancid lumps of bubblegum,
The rocks and stones and beercan lids"
Imagine if you had to roll instead of walk
To squeak squeak instead of talk
Squelching over slugs and spiders
Feeling like a reversed Midas.
In a world full of potholes
Don't be a roller (or a wheel)
In a world full of hot moles
 ...Now you know how they must feel.

But I saw a glimmer of hope. It was that penultimate line about the hot moles. It was rubbish! I bought my friend another beer and pointed this out to him. He was in agreement! I still had a chance.

Godalming Town

Another drink downed. Another two poems to go:

There's a bird called a roller
It doesn't ta-whit
It doesn't ta-whoo
It lets out more of a KWEEK!

There's a roller called a roller
It doesn't rotate
It barely moves at all
And when it does, it lets out a SQUEAK!

That's because it needs some oil.

Well, that clearly wasn't going to win anything, unless the betting company had some sort of Rotten Tomato Prize...

Michelmersh & Timsbury FC

Just one more entry, according to my friend, who by now was on his seventh pint. I offered to buy him another one, and he told me how much he hated his job and all his insufferable workmates and how he'd like to hand in his notice and drop his trousers on his way out of the office and how he'd like to write exactly what he thought about them all on his bum cheeks as he disappeared for the last time...

When your skin flakes off
It becomes dust
When a roller's skin erodes
It becomes rust

I just laughed out loud at that last one. I told my friend that if he dropped his pants, I'd write my poem on his cheeks in permanent marker and it would be the perfect riposte to his awful colleagues...

Overton United FC

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Rollers are rusty
And so are you!

According to the stories I read on social media the next day, he actually carried out his threat! My poem, his arse, all over Twitter!

Needless to say, I didn't win the poetry competition. Nobody won. The betting company found some legal loophole which meant there would be no £1,000 prize, and no season ticket for the lucky winner. To be honest, I don't think anyone deserved to win, as the entries were so uniformly dire.

But I was so close, so close to victory for the first and only time in my life...

Overton United v Paulsgrove

Respect before kick-off.

You know that game Consequences where you're in a group and you take it in turns to write down names and places and what people said on a piece of paper and you fold the paper over and over so that everything is hidden and then you open it up at the end and the consequence is always the same because nobody can think of anything funnier - "they got married, had three children and lived happily ever after"? (He was called... She was called... They met at...blah blah blah...you know the one). Well, if Consequences was real life recently it would go something like... "He was called Andy...The match he was going to was XXX v YYY at ZZZ Recreation Ground...and come Saturday, the consequence was - it rained overnight, the pitch was waterlogged and the match was off".

Over and over again.

Whatever has it been like recently? Every Friday and Saturday it tips it down with rain or snow or cats and dogs and frogs or whatever else is up there in the sky above us.

Until this Saturday. At last!

Overton United's clubhouse and changing room facility.

Details:
Overton United FC (0) 0 v 2 (2) Paulsgrove FC
Saturday 24th March 2018
New Forest Care Hampshire Premier Football League Senior Division
Attendance: About 40 standing around the pitch, plus a few more watching from the bar.
Admission: By donation (a box was brought round)
Programme: No, but there is a monthly club newsletter called Touchline.
Colours: Blue and white stripes / white / blue v All red
National Grid reference: SU5149

Crunch!

I've featured both Overton and Paulsgrove previously this season - Overton in the Hampshire Intermediate Cup at Bishop's Waltham, and The Grove at home to Stockbridge. During Overton's match, I got chatting to joint-manager Gary Savory and said I'd pop along and see them before the end of the season. So I did.

Overton appears to be a prosperous village. Situated around four miles west of Basingstoke, I would guess it's a perfectly pleasant place to live. There's quite a few thatched cottages near the village centre, with plenty of newer houses radiating out from there. The first shop I saw was selling guns (for the sporting community, presumably). I seem to remember when I first visited neighbouring Whitchurch, the first person I saw was carrying a gun - I suppose he bought it from here. He must have been going out to hunt rabbits or pheasants or clay pigeons.

St Mary's Church.

I too was hunting on Saturday, as I often am. I was hunting for new beers to add to my Untappd beer list app. I noticed before I set off that The White Hart had a beer from the Upham Brewery that I'd not tried before, so I popped in pre-match for a cheeky half. That'll be nearly 200 unique types of beer since I signed up 6 months ago then...I'm not obsessed, honest.

Another phone app I've had since Christmas is the Groundhopper app, which some of you might know about. On here, you record all the matches you go to and the grounds that the matches are played on. Not every club or ground is on there - so, Overton's ground is on there (so users can record their visits to Overton Recreation Centre), but Overton United FC are not (I don't know why).

Amongst all the other stats it produces, it ranks its users as "Top Fans" for each club. Apparently, I'm "Top Fan" of several local clubs (because I've seen them play more than anybody else using the app - obviously the number of app users are tiny compared to the number of fans out there, so it's just a bit of fun). Along with the likes of Romsey Town and AFC Stoneham, I'm Paulsgrove's top fan, having seen them play, ahem, five times (like I say, I'm clearly not their top fan in real life - their proper fans have better things to do than record their every movement on phone apps).

Smiles for the winded defender, Jake Warlow, after he was accidentally nutted by his keeper.

So I was out hunting for new beer and a new football ground, as I'd never been to Overton United before. What's it like?

As with most grounds in the Hampshire League, the pitch is situated on a recreation ground. There are tennis courts in one corner and a cricket square in the middle. The pitch is placed next to the Bridge Street Pavilion, which contains the changing rooms and an upstairs members' bar. I would guess this was built in the 1970s, but I could be wrong.

Behind the bottom end of the pitch runs a mill race. This shallow water feature was full of chattering ducks. Throughout the match, I could hear alarmed quacking as a gaggle of over-excited male mallards chased a single female mallard, presumably in the hope of mating with her and passing on their genes to the next generation of ducklings. I wonder if they record the number of ducklings produced from their loins on a phone app?

Where there's water near a football pitch, there needs to be a method of retrieving stray balls from that water, so there was a fishing net sat ready on a bench for that purpose.

As you can see from the pictures here, the main feature at Overton United, and what makes it a particularly attractive ground, is St Mary's Church, positioned on higher ground above the pitch to the north. There must have been a children's party going on when I arrived, as mums and dads and small boys and girls came traipsing past during the first half carrying helium balloons on sticks. One child asked "Daddy, is that a rugby match?"

Daddy said it wasn't.

Corner for Overton.

It certainly wasn't a rugby match, because if it was, I'd have turned around and driven away. I really don't understand that game. Football is so much simpler. Get a round ball, pass it around a bit with your feet and/or head until your team nears the opposition target, then try to get the ball in to that target more times than the other team to win. That's basically it.

And that's what Paulsgrove did twice. Their first goal came after 16 minutes as Tommy Woodward was played through the centre. He chipped the ball over the advancing Sean O'Brien in Overton's goal, under the bar, between the posts, nestling in the net.

Grove could have argued that O'Brien shouldn't have been on the pitch, as he'd handled outside the area after just three minutes. However, referee Chloe-Ann Anderson deemed that there were enough covering defenders to have made it not a clear goalscoring opportunity.

Anderson was busy again just after the opening goal, when a spot of handbags broke out by the clubhouse. Paulsgrove defender Craig Ralph moved his head towards an opponent. There was no contact, but enough intent was shown to warrant a red card. So the away side were down to ten men with 70 minutes still to play.

Celebrating Paulsgrove's second goal.

When the going gets rough, the players get tough. Grove doubled down, determined not to let Overton through. It really wasn't noticeable that Paulsgrove had one less player as they fought for every ball. After all, they're in a great position to win the league - if their season had been fizzling out, maybe Overton would have had a better chance, but tackle after tackle went in and there was no way through for the home team.

There was more controversy after 31 minutes as Paulsgrove thought they'd scored a second, but it was ruled out by the club linesman for offside. The Grove swore he was wrong. I couldn't work out why as I was too far away, but there may have been someone on the goal line playing their player onside? I don't know.

They did get their second, and what proved to be the final goal of the game, after 41 minutes, Danny Lane thumping in a header from close range. The shirt-over-the-head celebration followed, as you can see above.

There were few chances for either team in the second half. Paulsgrove defended their two-goal advantage well. Overton could never quite break through, as I'm sure they would have done against a less resilient side.

Oh, and it rained. I wondered where the rain had gone...

Aw, can I play?

The result leaves Paulsgrove in a strong position. Their biggest problem in the run-in is that they still have 13 matches to play before 28th April, whereas their main rivals for the title, Bush Hill and Infinity "only" have ten to go each. All three have to play each other in the last month, so these "mini-league within a league" games will be crucial. However, they must also avoid slipping up against their other opponents, which is surprisingly something Infinity didn't do at the weekend at Colden Common.

Overton United will finish in mid-table this time out, although I can see no reason why they shouldn't be challenging for a top five position next season.

Thank you to Overton for the friendly welcome.There will be more pictures from the game posted on the HAH Facebook page later this evening.

I'm not going to speculate on where I'll be reporting from next. Wherever it is, could the sun come out just for a few minutes? Please! And could there be a beer I've not recorded before in a nearby pub? Pretty please!

Bishop's Waltham Dynamos v Overton United

The long walk from the dressing rooms.

I've recently been reading about artificial intelligence and the rise of machine learning. Scary stuff.

I'm sure most people are aware of how they're targeted by automated algorithms in various places on the internet, whether that's for advertising purposes or for more sinister reasons, from the simple "If you like James Blunt, then you will probably also enjoy Cannibal Corpse" on Amazon and similar sites (I may have got that one slightly wrong...), to the shady opinion-swaying advertorials from corporate-backed so-called "thinktanks" that appear on our Facebook feeds because we once clicked "Like" on a meme about chain smoking kittens.

But now the machines are coming and we're all going to have to learn new skills to survive - unless you're a meat-packer or a chief executive of a multinational company, in which case, you can carry on as you are.

Bishop's Waltham Dynamos gathering their thoughts before kick-off as the rain clouds glower down on those below.

Details:
Bishop's Waltham Dynamos FC (1) 1 v 4 (2) Overton United FC
UK Office Systems Hampshire FA Intermediate Cup
Saturday 4th November 2017
Attendance: About 20
Admission: No
Programme: No
Colours: Yellow / red / red v Blue and white stripes / white / blue
National Grid reference: SU5417

Dynamos come close to doubling their early lead, but this shot was saved.

I was reading a report with an infographic which shows you the likelihood of your job being done by machines over the next 15 years or so. I found mine, and apparently, there's an 87% chance that my job will be done by a deep learning trained robot before I retire - and they're pretty good odds compared to some. If you work in a job that is routine and repetitive, your days are probably numbered - this group includes telemarketers, accountants and shopworkers; if, on the other hand, your work involves creativity or empathy, you'll probably be okay.

Of course, new jobs will be created by this new technology, but the worry this time (compared to previous technological revolutions) is that nearly every sector will be affected at the same time, because machine learning can be applied universally and it's developing so rapidly. So many people will become superfluous at the same time, with not enough jobs left to go round.

I already refuse to use the automated checkouts in supermarkets (that used to be someone's job!), and I shall in the near future refuse to use automated vehicles that have put human drivers on the scrapheap. I'll do my bit.

Equaliser for Overton as Steve Price heads in.

Footballers will be safe from this unstoppable tidal wave of automation. At least, the creative ones will be. Not so sure about the routine, repetitive Tony Pulis teams, mind. We're going to have an awful lot of leisure time in the near future, so luckily we'll still have our sport, whether we're playing it or watching it.

With my playing days long since over, I'll carry on getting my dose of fresh air on a Saturday afternoon whilst listening to 22 muddy blokes in their twenties and thirties yelling "Do we want this boys?!", "Left shoulder!" and "In the hole!" to each other.

This week, it was a trip to the small Meon Valley town of Bishop's Waltham, the home of Jeff "And that's the first goal Stranraer have conceded in over 800 minutes of football" Stelling. It's a pleasant place, bigger than nearby Colden Common, and ten times larger than neighbouring Upham, both of whom have Hampshire Premier League football teams.

Jonnie Gurney weaves his way through the Dynamos defence on his way to scoring Overton's second.

Bishop's Waltham also used to have a team in the Hampshire League, and not so long ago. Bishop's Waltham Town finished as Division One runners-up in 1992-93, which is as high as they ever managed. They spent a couple of seasons at the bottom end of the expanded Wessex League a decade or so ago before resigning during 2006-07. They were then absorbed by Sporting BTC and played on for another five seasons before changing their name to Sporting Bishop's Waltham for four seasons before reverting back to Bishop's Waltham Town in 2013-14, when they folded mid-season for a second time.

The "new" senior team in the town is Bishop's Waltham Dynamos, who were previously a junior side with a large number of children's teams. The Dynamos senior men's team have been working their way up the Southampton Saturday League. They were promoted to the top division last season as champions, and going in to this game, they were leading the table with just a single defeat so far.

Overton United keeping dry during the half-time team talk.

Dynamos' opponents on Saturday were Overton United, who play two steps higher in the Hampshire Premier Football League Senior Division, so it was an intriguing "David v Goliath" match-up (sort of!). The competition was the Hampshire FA Intermediate Cup, which I featured in the previous round when Warsash Wasps took on Clanfield.

This tie turned out to be a little closer than the match at Warsash (it finished 5-1 to Clanfield there). Indeed, for the first quarter of the game, Dynamos looked the more likely winners. They took the lead on the heavy pitch after 5 minutes, when James Cox shot towards the bottom left of the goal, which Overton's keeper anticipated, but a deflection directed the ball in to the opposite corner.

Dynamos then had several chances to double their lead before Overton equalised after 26 minutes. Steve Price got his head to a corner ball near the penalty spot. There was no stopping that one as it flew between keeper Fin Taylor and the defender guarding the post.

It had been overcast and gloomy since kick-off, but now the rain started to fall intermittently. The only cover at Bishop's Waltham's Priory Park is the shelter offered by trees surrounding the pitch on three sides (if you count the trees lining the track on the near side as you enter the complex). Those who had come prepared with wellies and umbrellas were the wise ones.

A cheeky peak over the hedge.

The rain didn't bother the players, least of all Overton's Johnnie Gurney, who had already had a couple of probes at the Dynamos defence. After 41 minutes, he received the ball near the centre-circle and went on a weaving run. Past one defender, past another, then another until he reached the edge of the box. No panic. No problem, as he slipped the ball under the advancing keeper. "That's the difference between these two teams - they just have that little bit of extra quality when they need it" as I was told by a bystander.

The extra quality allied to the confidence boost of going a goal up just before half-time meant that the away side were in almost complete control during the second half. Gurney and Price both scored again, each from close range, to keep their travelling support happy. They progressed to the last 32 of the competition with their 4-1 victory, whereas Dynamos can concentrate on the league. If they play as well for the rest of the season as they did for the first twenty minutes here, they may well make it two championships in a row come April time.

The next round of this cup is due to be played on December 2nd. Overton United will travel to Montefiore Halls (another Southampton Saturday League club who play at Wide Lane in Eastleigh).

The sun comes out for the first time all afternoon just as it's time to go home.

Rereading the opening couple of paragraphs, I feel I must apologise for being such a miserable old goat, but I'm not changing it all now. Everything will be fine. It always is.

For the last two HAH's before Christmas, I'm going to feature two more cup games (making it an entire half-season of knockout matches - no idea if I can keep that up from January until the end of the season...). The next one will be a Southampton Senior Cup tie on November 18th, then something on December 2nd - the Hampshire Intermediate Cup clashes with the FA Vase, and I can only choose one! I may throw that one open to a vote on the HAH Facebook page.

Speaking of which, there will be another 40 or so pictures from Bishop's Waltham on there before bedtime tonight.

They'll Be Putting Up The Barricades...

Pompey's North Stand before an evening game. Oh, Pompey, will you never win again?!

They'll be putting up the barricades if they know Hopping Around Hampshire is coming to town...

Welcome to this summer's mini-series, where I shall be looking back on my first four and a half seasons of HAH, in league table form. In the 77 games featuring Hampshire clubs that I've written about so far, who has done the best, and who has done the worst?

I'm starting off with twelve clubs that haven't done very well when I've been to see them - the ones who were more Chronic The Hedgehog than Sonic The Hedgehog on the day. Some expected names, for example, Pompey have had several dire seasons in a row, so you'd expect them to feature here, but one or two surprises as well - what are Whitchurch United doing right at the bottom of the table of the 46 Hants clubs that I've featured? I saw them lose in a season in which they were promoted, and again in the last game of last season, when they finished sixth in the Wessex Premier! I can't see them opening the turnstiles for me at Longmeadow if they know I'm coming...

Whitchurch United (in claret) enter the fray for yet another defeat with me in attendance.

Firstly, then, the table (part 1/4). Clubs are ranked on Points Per Game. I have awarded two points for a win, rather than the standard three. It makes little difference at the top or bottom (no points per game is the same whether the maximum is two or three), but it seemed fairer in the middle of the overall table:

		P	W	D	L	F	A	GD	Pts	Pts/Game
46.	Whitchurch Utd	3	0	0	3	1	8	-7	0	0.00
45.	Fawley	2	0	0	2	1	7	-6	0	0.00
44.	Fleet Town	2	0	0	2	0	5	-5	0	0.00
43.	Fleet Spurs	2	0	0	2	3	5	-2	0	0.00
42.	Overton United	1	0	0	1	3	4	-1	0	0.00
41.	Hayling United	3	0	1	2	3	9	-6	1	0.33
40.	Romsey Town	3	0	1	2	3	8	-5	1	0.33
39.	Portsmouth	3	0	1	2	4	9	-5	1	0.33
38.	Hythe & Dibden	5	1	0	4	7	18	-11	2	0.40
37.	Farnborough	2	0	1	1	1	6	-5	1	0.50
36.	Lymington T	4	1	0	3	8	13	-5	2	0.50
35.	US Portsmouth	2	0	1	1	2	6	-4	1	0.50

Fawley (in blue) lost at home to Benerton Heath Harlequins in the first FA Vase game that I covered.

And now, a breakdown of each of the bottom twelve's results in HAH's featured games. If you're reading this on a PC or tablet, links to each match can be found on the right:

46. WHITCHURCH UNITED
Oct 2011 v Gloucester City (h) 0-2
Jan 2013 v Team Solent (a) 0-4
Apr 2015 v Verwood Town (a) 1-2

45. FAWLEY
Oct 2012 v Bemerton Heath Harlequins (h) 1-2
Feb 2013 v Alresford Town (a) 0-5

44. FLEET TOWN
Apr 2011 v Metropolitan Police (h) 0-2
Mar 2015 v Swindon Supermarine (a) 0-3

Fleet Town are the only Hampshire club that I've featured that have yet to score a goal.

The turnstile at Fleet Spurs. I was one of only two people to pass through here when I visited in 2012.

43. FLEET SPURS
Oct 2012 v Stockbridge (h) 2-3
Nov 2013 v Andover New Street (a) 1-2

42. OVERTON UNITED
Oct 2014 v Fleetlands (a) 3-4

41. HAYLING UNITED
Jan 2012 v GE Hamble (a) 1-3
Feb 2013 v Totton & Eling (h) 2-2
Mar 2013 v Alton Town (a) 0-4

Of the nine clubs that I've featured only once, Overton United are the only ones to have lost.

Brockenhurst take a corner at Jones Lane, ex-home of Hythe & Dibden.

40. ROMSEY TOWN
Jan 2011 v Fareham Town (a) 1-1
Feb 2011 v Lymington Town (h) 2-6
Aug 2013 v Moneyfields (h) 0-1

39. PORTSMOUTH
Mar 2012 v Middlesbrough (h) 1-3
Aug 2013 v Oxford United (h) 1-4
Nov 2014 v Aldershot Town (h) 2-2

38. HYTHE & DIBDEN
Apr 2011 v Horndean (a) 1-3
Apr 2012 v Brockenhurst (h) 2-6
Nov 2012 v Ringwood Town (a) 0-4
Sep 2013 v Oldland Abbotonians (h) 3-2
Sep 2014 v Amesbury Town (a) 1-3

I watch all three of these clubs regularly outside of HAH weekends. I haven't seen Romsey win in around ten attempts, and I've only seen Pompey win once since 2008 (in over twenty matches). Hythe & Dibden have lost more HAH-featured matches than anyone else; have conceded the most goals and have the worst goal difference. They're also the only club that I've featured every season so far. Stat overload!

Another turnstile, this time at Farnborough FC.

37. FARNBOROUGH
Oct 2011 v Havant & Waterlooville (a) 0-5
Feb 2013 v Havant & Waterlooville (h) 1-1

36. LYMINGTON TOWN
Feb 2011 v Romsey Town (a) 6-2
Dec 2011 v New Milton Town (h) 1-5
Oct 2013 v Kidlington (a) 1-5
Apr 2015 v Petersfield Town (a) 0-1

35. UNITED SERVICES PORTSMOUTH
Apr 2013 v Tadley-Calleva (h) 1-5
Oct 2014 v Swanage Town & Herston (a) 1-1 (4-3 pens)

I counted US Portsmouth's penalty victory in the Vase last season as a draw for the purposes of these stats, otherwise they would have been higher up the overall table, replaced in the bottom twelve by...?

Romsey Town's Curva Nord last season.

More stats in a couple of weeks, when I do the run down from places 34 to 23, accompanied by more ALL-NEW PICS!