End of Season Roller Round-Up 2014/2015

Wimborne Town. MOIST.

If you work for a large employer, you might have to endure a yearly report with your immediate line manager, in which you have to prove how you have conformed to the company's values over the previous reporting period. The values will all have names - they will be something like "Customer Focussed", "Inspirational" and suchlike. (There's a definite advantage to working for a small company or being self-employed - you can actually get on with your work at this time of the year).

What if pranksters took control of this farrago? What if pranksters took over at the FA* and deemed that non-league groundsmen's equipment had to conform to random bizarre values to justify their existence? What if pranksters created a Random Value Generator and handed out 1,000 different adjectives to our country's army of rusty rollers? Would the old boys be able to conform?

Well, it just so happens that I was given the pranksters' provisional list and was trusted to pull out random values from a fictional hat to give out to some of the rollers that I've photographed over the second half of the season. They were handed out as part of a pilot project last August. Let's see how they performed...

The first value out of the hat last summer was MOIST, which was allocated to Wimborne Town's roller. Well, it must have tried very hard to conform, judging by the amount of rust growing on the left-hand side. Not totally rusty though, so it wouldn't get top marks in the pranksters' grading system. A good pass, though.

*Some people might claim that pranksters already run the FA, but never mind, bear with me on this one...

Laverstock & Ford. KITTENISH.

Salisbury's Laverstock & Ford were given the value of KITTENISH to conform to. A good effort from them, as they encouraged a breeding programme early on which produced this endearing baby roller. It was certainly kittenish upon my visit in January as I threw it a ball of wool to play with. It soon got tangled up and had to be rescued by Mummy Roller. A lot of licking and a good sleep later, and it was ready to go again with a ping pong ball attached to a scratching post.

Baby's name is Charlotte.

Wantage Town. TIMOROUS.

Wantage Town's roller had no problem in living up to its value of TIMOROUS. A wee timorous beastie indeed, as it hid itself under a pile of straggly weeds outside of the main pitch area. He took some finding, as I had to wander out of the ballboy's gate at half-time and search the local hedgerows until I found him. He'd even tried growing some moss on his right-hand side to make himself less visible in the undergrowth.

You can't hide from me though, matey! My rusty roller sixth sense will always dig you out...

Liphook United. HARDCORE (YOU KNOW THE SCORE).

Liphook United's roller was asked to live up to the random value of HARDCORE (YOU KNOW THE SCORE). He took this to mean non-stop partying with his mates, the wooden pallets. Looks like the pallets suffered rather badly in the latest party. They'll regret hanging out with Liphook's roller tomorrow morning. Not sure even a pint of Alka-Seltzer will repair that damage...

Hamworthy United. BONHOMOUS.

Hamworthy United's roller had to look up the meaning of BONHOMOUS when it was allocated. When he realised that it meant he just had to be friendly and jovial, he invited over his best friend the heavy-duty orange wheelbarrow for a few snifters of brandy and an evening of tall stories. It was such a success that they had the blue bicycle over the next time. The bicycle felt saddled with expectations, but he spoke about the time he won the Tour de France, tyring out his companions with his lengthy story. They all had a wheely good time and then stayed on to watch Hamworthy's match with Petersfield.

Nice rust, by the way!

Swindon Supermarine. BODACIOUS.

Swindon Supermarine's roller was handed the value of BODACIOUSNESS at the start of last season. Previously a nondescript lead-coloured roller of no great merit, it made a tremendous effort during the season to live up to its allocated value. The addition of hard-rocking spikes impressed the pranksters no end as they gave out their highest award of Mega-Super-Dope-A-Star-Plus. Supermarine's roller can be seen on stage at Download Festival in June replacing late dropouts Five Finger Death Punch on Slipknot's under-bill. He'll be puncturing the stage ready to drain the headliners' rocking pools of heavy sweat to the sounds of the si-i-ckest guitar licks known to man.

Verwood Town. SI-I-I-I-ICK.

Talking of si-i-ick, Verwood Town's roller had trouble interpreting its value of SI-I-I-I-ICK. Frankly, he had no idea what it meant. No spikes, no tattoos of Iron Maiden's Eddie mascot, no attempt to paint itself black...disappointing, and an official warning received for next season to pull its leather socks up or face expulsion from the League of Non-League Rollers.

Incidentally, the values of SI-I-ICK and SI-I-I-ICK were allocated to Thetford Town and Cullompton Rangers's rollers respectively. They both did much better.

Bangor City. SHRIVELLED.

At the start of 2014/15, Bangor City's roller was a two tonne behemoth, but when allocated the value of SHRIVELLED by the FA's pranksters (in cahoots with the Welsh FA's own pranksters), it went on a crash diet, losing 1.99 tonnes over the course of the last nine months, making the cover of Diet Weekly magazine in the meantime as its Groundsmen's Rusty Equipment Slimmer Of The Year. An amazing achievement, and a worthy winner.

Pagham FC. HAPPY-GO-LUCKY.

I visited Sussex County League Pagham FC in the Spring when Havant & Waterlooville, Pompey and Romsey Town were all playing away. A nice ground with two rollers. The one in the pic above was asked to be HAPPY-GO-LUCKY by the pranksters. By the time I arrived in March, it looked absolutely cream crackered after a season of giving rides around the pitch to dogs, cats, small children and squirrels (you can see scratch marks on the seat as some of the animals tried to leap off when they became scared). It had also been involved in Roller v Wheelbarrow racing contests for the previous eight months. No wonder it looked the worse for wear upon my arrival.

Enough of this nonsense. Previous roller round-ups can be seen by clicking on the "Rollers etc" label on the right. Some of them were relatively sensible...

Thanks to everyone who popped in to read HAH this season (or if you just stopped by to look at the pictures, that's okay too!). Thanks also to all the American, Russian and Ukrainian automated false referral sites that leave their mark in the stats. If it wasn't for your efforts, I would have several thousand less page views! I still won't be clicking on your links, mind.

Back in a couple of weeks with some statistical stuff and some more photos.

Swindon Supermarine v Fleet Town

Swindon Supermarine FC beckon drivers to the Webbswood Stadium with this sign on the nearby roundabout.

It was one of those jaw-dropping moments...stood outside Wembley Stadium, desperately trying to rid our manbags of all signs of food or drink before being searched at the turnstiles for anything from apples to guns (or any of the twenty-odd other things that are banned from the stadium on a match day), when it suddenly appeared with no prior warning...

Up on the screen, beneath the arch, my photo was showing, advertising the FA Trophy Final! An actual photograph that I'd taken...me, I took that! With my finger...that finger there...on my hand...oh, my goodness (or words to that effect)...

Cola spilling from my lips, sticky drink can hurled towards my son, a fumble in my coat pocket, unzip the camera bag...don't go away, don't disappear, not before I can take a picture! Camera on, point, click...it was still there! My photo, up there, on the screen outside Wembley!

The jaw-dropping moment when Liphook United appeared outside Wembley.

Details:
Swindon Supermarine FC (1) 3 v 0 (0) Fleet Town FC
Evo-Stik Southern League Division One South & West
Saturday 28th March 2015
Attendance: 124
Admission: £9
Programme: £2
Colours: All blue v Gold / black / black
National Grid reference: SU1889

Swindon Supermarine's oldest structure.

If you know me, you'll know that I was one of the winners of the #myfanphoto competition (I have gone on about it a bit over the last few weeks...), run by the organisers of Non-League Day. Ten people won a pair of tickets each to Sunday's FA Trophy Final between North Ferriby United and Wrexham. Not only did we win free tickets, but our photos were to be shown on the big screens inside Wembley and were to be printed in the matchday programme.

I'd already bought the programme and found my stamp-sized photo. Nice, but I've seen my photos printed in other programmes and books before, so it was a relatively minor thrill. My main concern was to keep the rain off of the programme so that I could file it away next to my Got, Not Got books in my home football library.

Scoffing our hot cross buns down in the drizzle, I just wasn't expecting the parade of mobile phone operator ads outside the stadium to be interrupted by my photo, which could be seen all the way down Wembley Way by the hundreds, maybe thousands of people making their way up from Wembley Park Station. Liphook United's full-backs, that was you up there! That was you, summing up the camaradarie of non-league football in a picture. That was you, representing the thousands of amateur footballers out there who play the game for enjoyment, win or lose, week after week throughout the season. That was you, where Kane and Rooney had been two nights previously - it was your turn. Famous for thirty seconds!

And a newer stand next to the older one.

I was buzzing like the bees in the Arkell's ad at Swindon Supermarine the day before (see bottom photo). The Liphook photo appeared again on the screens inside the stadium twenty minutes before kick-off accompanied by a commentary from the Wembley DJ. No idea what he said about my effort - I was still whirling more than a Wurlitzer on a Curly Wurly-fied whirligig.

And then the match started...Wrexham were 2-0 up with fifteen minutes to go. The green-clad Yorkshiremen behind us were urging everyone to stand up for the Ferriby. It worked like a charm, as the underdogs scored twice to take the match in to extra-time...

But I'm not supposed to be writing about that match here. This should have been all about Fleet Town's trip to Swindon Supermarine...and so it shall be from now on in...

Supermarine is one of those places that I've always wanted to visit, purely for their name. I drove past their ground on the way back from Lancashire in the autumn and timed how long it would take me to get there from Southampton - just over an hour - a very reasonable time. So, when Fleet Town were due to play there - and with Fleet not having featured on HAH for four years - I decided it was time to go to north Wiltshire.

Behind the goal, a homemade standing area.

It rained all the way to Swindon. At every match I've reported on in 2015, the sun has failed to shine, so I wasn't surprised. I went through the turnstile. I bought a badge at the club shop immediately in front of the turnstile. The friendly fellow running the club shop hadn't put his wares on display due to the horizontal rain blowing straight in to his little hut. Shame, because I would have liked to have seen the Supermarine beanie hats (as advertised on their website). I suspect the club shop is the only place in the entire world where you can buy a Swindon Supermarine beanie hat.

To the right of the club shop is the oldest structure in the ground - a small stand with fifty or so red plastic seats without backs. This stand moved with the club from a neighbouring pitch when they were formed in 1992 via a merger between Supermarine and Swindon Athletic (formerly Penhill). I sat in the stand drinking a nice warm cup of tea whilst waiting for kick-off. To my left was a DJ table with a pile of Now That's What I call Music CDs. To my right was a metal table for the local pressman to lean his laptop upon. Dotted around me were other early arrivals, greeting each other and chatting about Swindon Town's promotion prospects. It was all very affable.

At five minutes to three, the rain suddenly stopped and the sun came out! It was one of those little miracles that make you believe in some sort of ancient football/weather god. The announcer read out the teams "very slowly for my Pompey-supporting friend who likes to write down the players' names in his programme" (which made it two Pompey fans in that little stand!). Then he played a familiar ditty as the two teams walked on to the pitch - the Match of the Day theme tune. Supermarine's players had evidently heard this before, but Fleet thought it was hilarious. Football with a smile.

A shot from distance from Fleet Town.

With the sun out (until ten past three, at any rate), it was time to walk around the ground. Next to the old stand is a new metal stand with four rows of blue and white seats. Supporters can buy a seat for the season for £25. Then it's tarmacced hard standing behind the far goal. In the far corner is a recessed area with plastic sheeting over it as a shelter. Handy if you're caught in a shower.

Along the opposite side to the stands, it's more hard standing all the way to the far corner, where there is a metal terrace, the same kind as is found at Sholing. Beyond this are three more turnstiles of different types, presumably all bought from different professional clubs as they upgraded to the modern electronic form (which I dislike intensely - modern pro football, pah!). I presume Supermarine utilise these when they play Swindon Town in pre-season friendlies.

Turning left and walking beneath some tall fast-growing conifers, you come to the final spectator structure - a homemade standing shelter made of scaffold poles. The roof, back and sides seem to consist of disused advertising boards painted blue. I see discarded boards piled up at many grounds I visit - what a great way to recycle them!

Changing rooms and a clubhouse complete the grand ground tour.

Numbers 4 and 10, your time is up!

As I reached the apex of the penalty area on the far side, the first goal was scored. It was one of those where everyone is slightly embarrassed - Chris Taylor because his goal was really a sliced cross; goalkeeper Ryan Pryce because the ball - spinning like an out of control planet with the fierce wind behind it - slipped through his gloves and slithered over the line. Muted congratulations from Taylor's team-mates and the odd half-hearted clap from of a few of the 124 spectators.

The wind dominated the game. At one point during the first half, the referee told Fleet's right-back James Scott that he "had the wind". Cue bemusement at which sort of wind he had, as it certainly wasn't the gale force weather type of wind, which was blowing straight in to his face as he was trying to take a throw-in.

Half-time, and the prize for the draw was a ploughman's with paté (Green 704). I didn't win (and thank goodness for that, say my family and friends, as I would probably talk about nothing else for the next few weeks...).

The second goal was scored by Supermarine's number 9, Connor Waldon, on loan from Swindon Town for work experience. He brought down the ball on the edge of the area, shimmied to the left, shimmied to the right, turned and stroked the ball efficiently low to the keeper's right. You could tell he was a pro.

Supermarine could have scored many more, but their third and final goal was the best of the game, a low hard strike from wide out on the left by Ryan Stanners.

This was the second time I've covered Fleet Town on here, and they've yet to score. Maybe next time...

They don't make adverts like this any more! I wish they did!

I wore my Supermarine badge to Wembley the following day (along with a Romsey Town badge and my Havant & Waterlooville shirt). The badge witnessed North Ferriby's extraordinary comeback, going 3-2 up in the first half of extra-time, before conceding an equaliser with 118 minutes on the clock. The penalties that followed were just as nail-biting, as one pen went in, the next was saved, and so on, until eventually the villagers from East Yorkshire climbed the steps to take the trophy back home. One of the great Wembley finals, they say, and I'm not going to disagree, as this was my tenth trip to the stadium, and far and away the best game I've seen there.

I was going to write more about Swindon Supermarine - about how they sound a bit like Super Mario, and how there must be a pitch in the Supermarine complex dedicated to Mario and Luigi and Yoshi and Princess Peach where they can play some sort of weird, illogical game of football with turtle shells and giant bananas - but there wasn't space this time...

Match reports can be found on the two clubs' websites here and here. Fleet Town's report is very honest about their performance. One point since New Year says it all. Bashley (with no home wins all season) v Fleet will be interesting in a couple of weeks. Match photos can be found here. More photos from Supermarine may well appear here shortly, but weren't available to view as I wrote this.

I'll be at another game on April 11th, but I haven't decided where yet - somewhere with a club that has promotion or relegation at stake would be my first choice.