Bemerton Heath Harlequins v Andover Town

The changing rooms at Bemerton Heath Harlequins FC.

I was recently approached by a publishing company to write a book for them, aimed at the Christmas gift market. They specialise in cheaply made club-based books of trivia. They've successfully produced books of facts on most Premiership clubs, many clubs in the Football League, plus Celtic and Rangers. You may have seen some of their titles for sale in bargain book stores - The Bumper Book of Arsenal Fun And Facts was their top-selling title last Christmas - at a cover price of £4.99, it was a no-brainer stocking gift for the Arsenal fan in your life.

However, open the book and delve in on a Christmas morning, and the Arsenal fan in your life would be extremely disappointed - a hundred pages of "trivia" copy/pasted from Wikipedia and other sources on the internet, with line drawing illustrations to fill out the white space which your little brother could have knocked out in two minutes (and probably did). Nothing the Arsenal fan didn't already know. A book destined to be put down and forgotten about within five minutes of opening the covers.

Anyway, Cheap & Tatty Primary Gifting Season Products of Westbury got in touch with me three weeks ago. They'd seen the telly programme about the Class of '92 and were under the impression that the next growth market in football publishing would be trivia books about non-league clubs. They asked me to knock out a book about Glossop North End by the end of the week. Well, their offer of 50p and a bag of marbles was too good to turn down. I signed the contract, and two evenings later, the publishers had their book.

But I hadn't read the contract properly. They paid me the 50p, but what I hadn't noticed in the small print was that I was supposed to write a second book if I wanted the bag of marbles, and that if I hadn't produced a new title by midnight on Monday, their lawyers would be e-mailing me first thing Tuesday morning. They left me to choose the club to cover.

Chequerboard seats in Bemerton's stand. Anyone for chess?

Details:
Bemerton Heath Harlequins FC (2) 2 v 1 (0) Andover Town FC
Saturday 28th November 2015
Sydenhams Wessex Premier League
Attendance: 50-ish
Admission: £6
Programme: £1
Colours: Black and white hoops / black / black v All blue
National Grid reference: SU1131

Andover fans tie their flag to the rail at the front of the Les Pantlin Stand.

Anyway, it's Monday now, and I know the readers of Hopping Around Hampshire are expecting a new match report this evening. I'm just going to have to multi-task if I'm going to get both things done on time. Excuse me if I have to drop a few made-up pieces of trivia into this report. I have a book to write before midnight...

I've chosen to write about Bemerton Heath Harlequins for the book, as I visited them on Saturday for their Wessex League game against Andover Town. Now, where to begin? I know, a bit of background detail about the area. Let's have a look on Wikipedia and come up with a few facts:

• Bemerton Heath Harlequins are based in the Bemerton Heath area of Salisbury, which is mostly a post-war council estate, with a few older buildings dotted around from when Bemerton was a separate village.

• The Bemerton Heath estate was notorious in the 1970s as the place where the Stuffing Ball Wars erupted. Everyone ate roast dinners on a Sunday in the '70s. However, in 1973, there was an acute shortage of stuffing due to the failure of the sage crop. Two rival gangs in Bemerton got hold of a lorry-load of Paxo and were able to sell it on at a tasty profit until they fell out with each other. Both gangs had guns, but this being the '70s, there was a shortage of bullets that year, so they made makeshift bullets out of stuffing balls. For a few days in July, the streets of Bemerton were alive with the sound of gunshots. Luckily, no-one was killed, but to this day you still see old-timers walking around the mean streets of Bemerton with sage and onion scars on their cheeks.

Hmm, that sounds a bit unlikely, but it was on Wikipedia, so it must be right.

Okay, what next? I have another 98 pages to fill...

Clouds.

How about the formation of the club?

• Bemerton Heath Harlequins were formed in 1989 as the result of a merger between three strong local sides: Bemerton Athletic, Moon FC and Bemerton Boys. All three clubs had been successful and wanted to try their hand in the Wessex League.

What next? The Moon FC? The Moon! Facts about the Moon!

• It has recently been accepted by leading scientists that the Moon is made of cheese.

• Cheese is one of the main ingredients of Twiglets.

• When you eat a packet of Twiglets, there are always a few broken Twiglets and a whole load of Marmitey dust left at the bottom of the packet. The collective name for this detritus is Twiglet giblets.

Jeez, this is harder than I thought! I must stop straying off the subject. At least Cheap & Tatty Inc don't have any proof readers, so nobody will notice the irrelevant stuff. Let's move on:

• The new Bemerton Heath Harlequins club were accepted in to the Wessex League immediately and finished 8th (of 19) in their first season.

• Since then, the club have finished in the top five of the league on eight occasions - their best seasons being 2010/11 and 2011/12 when they were runners-up.

• Harlequins have never been relegated since their formation.

That's better, sticking to the subject now. That must be another five pages filled.

Andover Town's Oliver Yates waits for the ball to reach him on the left wing.

Okay, what next? I know, their kit:

• Bemerton Heath Harlequins used to play in black and white quarters - similar in style to Bristol Rovers.

• At other times, the club have played in black and white halved shirts, similar to Blackburn Rovers.

• Currently, they play in narrow black and white hoops, the same kit as Scotland's Queen's Park, otherwise known as The Spiders.

• Terry Woodcock of Bemerton Heath owns the world's largest collection of Guatemalan Fighting Spiders. He tours the school fairs of South Wiltshire with his famous arachnids. He has created a Fighting Arena for them out of an old Battling Tops stadium with a hand-made see-through perspex roof. For 50p, he will paint a spider's torso with your favourite club's colours and set them up against another spider painted in your club's enemy's colours. The spiders then fight to the death. During the last World Cup, Terry used his fighting spiders to predict each match in the tournament, after hearing about Paul the Octopus in Germany correctly predicting each score in the competition. Terry used the result produced by his fighting spiders to place bets on each match. He lost a lot of money.

Good, good, I'm getting somewhere. I think I should finish this by midnight.

The winning goal from Harlequins' Russell Cook.

I'd better write my match report for Hopping Around Hampshire now. Once I've done that, I'll search the 'net for information about Bemerton's badge, some well-known ex-players, a few crucial matches from the past...should be alright for midnight.

The weather forecast was atrocious for Saturday. Rain, strong winds, general misery all expected. As it turned out, the rain kept off until near the end of the match, and the 70mph gusts may well have occurred, but Western Way is well sheltered by leylandii on three sides, so the wind wasn't noticable. Indeed, playing conditions couldn't have been much better considering the time of year.

Even so, I arrived early, just in case the game was called off (I would have diverted to Pewsey Vale if that scenario had happened). With a near-full car park and shouts from players warming up on the practice pitch to greet me, I knew it was "game on" without enquiring within. As I was there before the turnstile had opened, I went into the clubhouse. It's a big one - built at the same time the club was formed by voluntary labour, and since extended.

Two big tellies were showing the early kick-off at Charlton Athletic and a darts tournament respectively. Darts seems to be popular at Bemerton - there are two dartboards in the club, and on the walls as you enter the front door, immediately to your left and right are two large wooden boards listing all their darts, pool and crib champions since 1989, lettering lovingly applied in gold leaf. (Note to self: check to see whether any of the crib tournaments was won by a last-minute "one for his knob" on the final cut - would be an interesting fact for the book).

Whilst I sat and watched the darts on the telly with the sound turned down, I hummed along to the greatest hits of country music, which was being piped over the speakers: "Sylvia's Mother" (TUNE!), "It's Four In The Morning" (TUNE!), "Rose Garden" (TUNE!). I couldn't remember who sung Rose Garden, and it bothered me for most of the first half until it suddenly struck me...

Lynn Anderson!

Seats for the Plumbs.

Bemerton Heath Harlequins were 2-0 up before Lynn Anderson's name entered my trivia-fried brain. Both goals were similar - long balls played through the middle of Andover's defence for Bemerton's strikers to run on to. The first one-on-one was converted by Sam Griffin, low to Jamie Bray's right; the second by Russell Cook, this time to Bray's left. It hadn't been all one-way traffic towards Andover's goal - the away side had hit the bar before the second goal went in, but Andover's fans were feeling down - the half-pint on their flag being more half-empty than half-full before thirty minutes had passed.

Andover had come to Bemerton riding high in the league - it was mid-table versus second. Despite the two goal margin, I always thought that the away side had enough about them to come back in the second period, and so it would have proved, but for some rock-solid defensive work and inspired goalkeeping from the home side. Andover did everything but score. An absolute scorcher from the boot of sub Kuiars from 25 yards smacked against the bar on 75 minutes. Surely, surely, they would score at least once?

The Andover fans behind the goal were in good spirits - they "only sing when we're losing" - and with only two defeats all season up until Saturday, they haven't been singing very much.

The goal did come eventually. A scramble in the box, and a blue-shirted player (just hidden from view for me behind a couple of defenders) toe-poked the ball downhill, very very slowly. The ball hit the inside of the post and just rolled over the line before it stopped. With three minutes remaining, Andover piled forward again, looking for the equaliser, but it never came.

Rain.

There may be other match reports on the 'web, but I haven't seen one yet. There was a press cameraman there, and somebody taking reams and reams of notes (that wouldn't be me then), so there must be a report somewhere...perhaps it was for paper press only?

Right, I'd better get on and finish that book. I've got another four hours or so until midnight. Forgive me for ruining this match report with all that trivia, but you could tell how much pressure I was under to meet that deadline.

In Hopping Around Hampshire news, I've set up a Facebook group since the last report. You can find it here. It's a Public group, so I think anyone on Facebook can see it without necessarily joining. I'll be using it to upload extra photos from each match I cover on here. If anybody else wants to join in and post a few photos, please feel free to do so. Keith Legg of Sholing has uploaded some pics from their recent Vase match at Buckland Athletic, and I've put a few up from my trip to North Wales last week where I visited Porthmadog FC. Apologies to anyone who isn't on Facebook - I wasn't myself until a few weeks ago, so I know how annoying it is when someone posts a link to the site and you can't see it. I should know better.

Oh, and 100,000 all-time page views have been clocked up since last time, so thank you to all my readers out there. I feel reasonably popular.

29. Fawley AFC

A friendly welcome sign for visitors to Fawley AFC.

This is the story of the Fawley flame. It's not a true story, and all the characters within it are fictional. Don't believe a word you read.

A gang of teenage boys are gathered around a pub table on the Waterside (the collective name for the villages squished between Southampton Water and the New Forest). A typical mixed group of the cocky and the dysfunctional. Anthony has been sitting there all evening, scraping dead skin off of a wart on his left index finger whilst listening to Ryan boast about his latest female conquest. Anthony's face is cratered with old acne; his pullover emits a slight odour of vinegar, as his mum hangs out the washing to dry in the kitchen whilst cooking chutneys for holiday money. He leaves his wart-slicing Swiss army pen-knife on the table as he wanders off to the gents, fed up with his alpha male companions.

When he returns, Ryan has opened up all the various knife blades, saws and scissors, and his mates are throwing the pen-knife towards each other, playing a dangerous game of catch with what they have named the spinning death star. Anthony asks for it back, but they tease him by standing up and throwing it over his head in the world's stupidest game of piggy-in-the-middle.

The landlord sees what is happening. The boys have been getting rowdier as the evening progressed and a timid pair of strangers on a date have walked out, nervously glancing towards the noisy table on their way to the door. The landlord likes the boys - they are regular Saturday night visitors, spending a great deal of money at the bar on beer and nuts, and on the triv machine in the corner without ever winning more than a couple of quid in return. He sees himself as a young man in them and doesn't want them to leave and never come back. Even so, they need to be calmed down...

Bench seats in the new stand at Fawley.

Details:
Fawley AFC (1) 1 v 2 (0) Bemerton Heath Harlequins FC
FA Vase 1st Round Proper
Saturday 13th October 2012
Entrance: £5
Programme: £1
Attendance: 50-ish
Club shop: No
Colours: Dark blue / Dark blue / Light blue v Black and white halves / Black / Black
National Grid reference: SU4304

Silhouetto allegretto. A sunny day on the Waterside.

...the landlord approaches the table and asks the boys to stop throwing the death star. They acquiesce immediately and settle back down to carry on drinking. The landlord scrapes a wooden chair along the tiled floor and sits down between Anthony and Ryan. He makes a little small talk - asks them what they do for a living and suchlike, before letting them know that he's just had a text from his mate who works in the safety booth at the oil refinery. Apparently, the Fawley flame has just gone out. This is a very bad thing.

You can see the Fawley Oil Refinery for miles. It's visible to walkers and horse riders in the nearby New Forest National Park; you can see it from the Isle of Wight; take a lift to the top of the Spinnaker Tower in Portsmouth, a good twenty miles away, and the chimneys and flare stacks poke up rudely above the non-specific greyness of the surrounding land. And there's always a flame burning at the top of one of the flare stacks, gobbling up excess poisonous gases.

The landlord's mate had texted him to say that the flame had gone out and that it was panic-stations in the refinery. He suspected a vacuum had somehow been created within the stack which may have caused a backdraft. The flame was making its way slowly down the stack. If it reached the bottom, there was an open tank full of crude oil nearby, and if the flame met the oil, then there was no way to avert disaster. The refinery would go ka-boom! and take half of Hampshire with it.

The boys listened quietly. Seven pints never felt so sober. Ryan made his excuses and left. The others followed him. In ten minutes, they were far enough away to feel safe.

But they were back the next week, older and wiser and a little less cocky.

One of two home-made shelters at Fawley AFC.

Now, this is a true story: Fawley AFC were once part of the Esso Sports and Social Club, one of many works social clubs in the area. Big companies used to believe that a healthy worker is a good worker. Until some manager making a name for himself decides that, with profits down to merely £2bn in the last quarter, savings need to be made. The social side of the enterprise makes no money, contributes little, and the fifty-year-old buildings need repairing or replacing. Time to cut them adrift. Nice fat bonus to go with the company car and first-class air travel for Mr Go-Places. Decaying infrastructure for the workers to maintain.

Thus, in 2002, Esso (Fawley), became Fawley AFC, run by independent volunteers as part of a larger sports and social club in Holbury (the actual village of Fawley is a couple of miles away to the south-east). Founded in 1923 as AGWI United (not sure what those initials stood for!), changing their name to Esso (Fawley) in 1949, the club have never been very successful. Trophies won include the Southampton Senior Cup (1935), Hampshire League Division Three West (1953), the Southampton Wednesday League (1961 and 1968), the Southampton Senior League (1980 and 1988), and finally Hampshire League Division Three (1995). Actually, written down like that, I've seen worse imaginary trophy cabinets!

A splendid rusty roller at Fawley.

The trophy at stake on Saturday was the FA Vase, the Football Association's knockout competition for clubs below step 4 (Southern League around here) of the national league system. Wessex League clubs have had reasonable success in this competition - Wimborne Town and Winchester City have both held the trophy aloft; AFC Totton have been beaten finalists; Poole Town were semi-finalists just two seasons ago; and last season, Bournemouth Poppies went all the way to the quarters. Of today's combatants, Bemerton Heath Harlequins reached the fifth round in 1999, whereas this is only Fawley's second-ever entry. Last season, they won two matches before losing to South Park (no, not that South Park). This season, they beat Hamworthy United in the previous round. Up until now, all their ties have been away from home, so Saturday's match created a tiny (really really tiny) piece of football history, as it was their first-ever home match in the Vase.

A fact about Fawley? How about Britain's longest pier? There's no slot machines, funfair or dirty dancehall on this pier - it's strictly for tankers delivering oil.

And another fact? There's a theatre at the sports complex. They'll be doing Calendar Girls - the story of the WI creating a stir with a naked calendar, I believe - between 18th and 20th October if you're down that way. Now, did the WI in Fawley's original name, AGWI, stand for Women's Institute? That would be novel.

FA Cup heroes Blackfield & Langley are Fawley's nearest footballing neighbours - just 1500 metres to the south - Mo Farah could run there in four minutes. As B&L were also in FA Vase action on Saturday, it was a pity they couldn't stagger kick-off times on what was Non-League Day - I'm sure plenty of people would have gone to watch both games as the two grounds are so close (for the record, B&L won their tie 5-1 against Westbury United).

A ticking off and a yellow card from the ref.

To reach Fawley's pitch, you have to walk through the main entrance of the Waterside Sports and Social Club and be waved through to the glass door opposite by the man at the desk. Through the second door, down a ramp and past the boxing club on your right. The shadows on the walls were as crisp as a freshly-snapped Ryvita on this glorious early Autumn day. The football pitch is in the far corner of the complex, beyond the bowling green, rugby pitches and cricket scoreboard. As entry is so strictly controlled, and with all potential entrance points covered in barbed wire, the area has no sign of vandalism of any kind - no graffitti here (such a big problem at Blackfield & Langley). Equipment can be left safely lying around - no chance of anyone walking through the clubhouse with a rusty roller in tow.

There's a friendly welcome at the pay hut. As you walk in, there's Pinky & Perky's Bistro to your right (tea £1). Beyond the bistro are changing rooms in rusty green containers, sited on an old tarmac tennis court. The high fences surrounding the disused tennis court are still in place, which prevents spectators from watching the match unobstructed from behind and to the right of one goal. You can walk past the changing rooms though to the right-hand side of the pitch, where two small home-made shelters are bisected by brick dugouts. Beyond the second shelter is a large shed with a green door (Shakin' Stevens would approve).

On the opposite side is a new stand with wooden bench seats. The far end is out of bounds, so effectively, the ground is two-and-a-half-sided! Plenty of room for their average crowds of around fifty though. I liked it.

Pinky and Perky's Bistro, AKA the refreshments hut at Fawley AFC.

Fawley took the lead in their first-ever home Vase tie in the 20th minute - a low rasper from the edge of the box after Bemerton failed to clear the danger zone. Other than the goal, the first half was fairly even and uneventful. The second half, on the other hand...

...again, action-free for the first ten minutes...until Bemerton's number six was shown a red card for an elbow on a Fawley player as they both chased a loose ball. Not unusual, except the hot-headed Harlequin then threw the ball at the ref as he reached in to his back pocket. The ball bounced off the ref's forehead and out of play near the dugouts. The crowd of 50 or so gave a collective gasp - enough sucking motion to change the direction of the sooty smoke belching out of one of the tall chimneys behind the theatre. The talk was all about how long the ban would be. "A minimum of five matches" seemed to be the consensus.

For the final 35 minutes, the match could have been played out on the stage of the aforementioned theatre, with the referee playing the part of the baddie in the eyes of the home crowd, as well as the miffed away supporters. Fawley tried to hang on to their lead, but ten-man Harlequins were having none of it, as they bought a parking permit for Fawley's penalty area for the remainder of the game. The inevitable equaliser came via a penalty - Bemerton's spot-kick maestro was as cool as a bucket full of liquid nitrogen as he waited for the goalie to move to his right. Penalty duly slotted to his left.

As full-time approached, talk turned to whether there would be extra-time and penalties if it remained 1-1. Nobody seemed to know. However, a second penalty for the team from Wiltshire put paid to this collective conversation. The ball appeared to strike the chest of a Fawley defender as it flew towards goal, but the ref signalled handball. By the trotters of Pigling Bland! The man in black was not popular!

Penalty number two was walloped with aplomb to the keeper's right. There was no coming back for poor old Fawley after that. The team from Salisbury went in to the hat for Monday's second round draw - they will travel to St Austell in Cornwall on November 17th. They could visit the Eden Project whilst they're there. Make a day of it.

After the match, it's across the fields to the shower block.

A fine afternoon out beside the oil refinery chimneys. Another club added to my ever-lengthening list of ones to revisit over the coming years...so long as the Fawley flame behaves itself.

I would have liked to go to another Vase match in the second round, but sadly, all three of my remaining unvisited clubs were knocked out on Saturday. I'll be concentrating on the league for the rest of the season then, same as Fawley.