The Fourth Annual Festive Parade of Rusty Rollers

Going for the sympathy vote at Christchurch FC.

It's that time again when everyone gets to tell everyone else about their favourite films, TV programmes or songs of the year, whether it be in the comments sections of national publications or on social media in general. The journalists and tastemakers have spoken - now it's our turn! Well, since you asked, my favourite song this year was...but you didn't ask, so I'm not going to bore you with my opinion.

Instead, I'm going to decide which was my favourite roller of the past half-season - this is what you're actually here for, isn't it?

Kicking off 2014/15 at Christchurch, I snapped the little chap above. A young roller who might have got my vote if he hadn't placed himself next to a sad-looking mower without any wheels! The equivalent of posing with a doe-eyed orphaned labrador puppy for a sympathy vote.

Well, my vote can't be bought like that, young man! Next...

Posing with a bin at Horsham YMCA.

Quivering behind a bashed up old bin at Horsham YMCA was the rather shy fellow above. Obviously not very confident and a little unfashionable with its old-fashioned rusty metal framework, I can't see enough of him to sway my vote his way. I need a little more swagger in my old groundsmen's equipment! I expect his mum loves him though, so that's what really counts.

Double trouble at Amesbury Town.

In my third match report of the season from Amesbury Town, I christened one end of their pitch "The Rusty Roller End", and for good reason. These two sausage-like behemoths were keeping guard behind the goal, like twin night club bouncers. To be honest, I found them a little intimidating, as I was standing behind the goal during the second half, and I'm sure I saw one of them move! I couldn't turn my back on them after that...

Covered in beautiful yellow flowers at Swanage Town & Herston FC.

No groundsmen's equipment on display at Chertsey Town, so my next sighting was on a sunny day in Dorset. The exceedingly rusty specimen at Swanage Town & Herston above had covered itself in what it must have believed to be a beautiful bouquet of flowers. A good attempt at winning my vote, but I prefer marigolds.

Just the right amount of rust at Fleetlands FC.

There were two rollers at Fleetlands. One had made no effort to impress me whatsoever, lolling nonchalantly amongst the cars in the club car park, smoking a fag and swigging a can of fizzy beer. You don't win anyone's vote like that! The one above was much more lovable, posing in front of an old exhaust pipe. Just the right amount of rust and a perfectly proportioned handle. It's in with a chance of my virtual trophy!

Mr Spiky of Daisy Hill FC.

But hang on! What's this?! A spiky roller! Always a big favourite of mine! This is from Daisy Hill FC - one of six grounds in the north-west that I visited this autumn whilst working in the area (the others being Burscough, Bacup & Rossendale Borough, Glossop North End, Accrington Stanley and Padiham). I just wish he'd picked up some of that litter behind him before posing for the camera...

Nice ground at Daisy Hill, but the only one in the area to have any groundsmen's equipment on show. I may post some more pictures from the northern grounds after Christmas.

Horndean FC. Roller number 1, hopefully recovered from the lurgy by now.

The ground with the most rollers this autumn was Five Heads Park, home of Horndean FC. Their equipment looked a little ill. There must have been something going round in Horndean in November, as rollers number 1 and 2 were both covered in spots. Get well soon, chaps!

Horndean FC. Roller number 2, feeling a bit peaky.

Horndean's third roller was extremely tricky to spot, being hidden behind the small shelter at the end not open to spectators. Any player lucky enough to take a corner nearby would have had a good view of roller number 3. From what I could see through the fog and general all-round gloom, it looked absolutely magnificent! I don't think I could, in all conscience, vote for it though, as for all I know, close up, I might have seen it was a cardboard cut-out. A vote for a cardboard roller would bring the whole process into disrepute.

Horndean FC. Number 3 - tricky to spot.

So, who to vote for? Wait, what was that you said? I'd already handed out the trophy in August to a roller at Christchurch? Why, I think you're right, I did! Do you mean I have to delete this piece and start again? I don't know, maybe I'll rewrite it tomorrow...

If you click on the tag "Rollers etc" (in the Other Labels list) on the right, you will be able to view the previous Festive Parades and End Of Season Roller Round-Ups. This was the seventh in the series!

Looking back at last year's Festive Parade, it appears that HAH had just had its 40,000th page view on Christmas Eve. It looks as though page view number 73,000 will be had later today. You can't all have been spambots, false referral sites or me checking for comments during my lunchbreak at work, so thank you to everyone who has looked in this year, and have a Very Merry Christmas and an Amazing New Year!

Amesbury Town v Hythe & Dibden

The entrance to Amesbury Town's Bonnymead Park.

Archaeologists have argued for years about the use of Stonehenge. Did the hairy people of the Neolithic worship the Sun on Midsummer's Day? And if so, how? Were there sacrifices to the Sun God? Was there a big feast of fatty warthog at sunrise? Did they run around naked, whooping and hollering, wide-eyed and off their heads on Stone Age speed and mead?

The default position in archaeology is that if you don't know what a thing was used for, then it must have had some ritualistic purpose. From that starting point, you can dig up axe-heads and flinty jewellery and speculate about how they must have been used in any theoretical ritual.

No-one will ever know for sure what the ancients did at Stonehenge, which means that anyone can speculate on its use. Me? I believe it was used as a primitive football stadium. Look at the arrangement of the big stones. Each set of three stones is arranged as if they are a goal - two goalposts and a crossbar. Set out at regular intervals in a giant circle, there are around sixteen "goals", which means that there could have been up to sixteen teams playing at once.

Far-fetched? Maybe, but I spent most of my childhood inventing new sports. It's just the sort of thing I would have spent several hours mulling over during a boring Sunday, designing the layout and jotting down some rudimentary rules.

From the depths of my pitiful memory, Gockey (hockey played with golf clubs) and Holf (golf played with hockey sticks) may have been my inventions (but possibly not - they may have been school chum Hunky Hutch's ideas that I picked up and ran with...).

So, Stone Age football with sixteen teams? Followed by sacrifices and naked whooping and hollering? Why not? Give me a few hours and I'll come up with some rules...

The home and away dressing rooms.

Details:
Amesbury Town FC  (2) 3 v 1 (0) Hythe & Dibden FC
FA Vase 1st Qualifying Round
Saturday 6th September 2014
Attendance: 100-ish
Admission: £5
Programme: Free with admission
Colours: All blue v Green / white / white
National Grid reference: SU1540 & SU1541

Amesbury Town's stand.

Amesbury is just down the road from the world-famous Neolithic monument. Indeed, if you turn left out of the narrow lane that leads up to Bonnymead Park, you will be on Stonehenge Road - and the World Heritage site (visited by Barrack Obama just the day before this match) will be only 2 miles away.

Amesbury's ground is used for cricket during the summer, so this was their first home match of the season. It's a leafy place, set in a bend of the River Avon, which should look stunning when autumnal colours take over from the current selection of greens in a few weeks.

Entering via the homemade pay hut, the clubhouse is immediately to your left at the top of a grassy slope. Changing rooms and toilets are attached to this building. Outside is a water tap which can be used to fill a bowl if you're accompanied by a thirsty dog (non-league dog count on Saturday was three).

Plenty of people chose to stand under the clubhouse verandah sipping on cold cold beer during the game - others sat in sunshine on the grassy bank behind the goal. Others stretched their legs and wandered around to the blue brick-built stand on the far side. Inside this stand are four rows of blue-and-white bench seats - stripey like a Brighton & Hove Albion or Huddersfield Town shirt. In front and to either side are blue brick dugouts.

At the far end to the clubhouse are a pair of storage containers and a couple of rusty rollers. I have christened this end the Rusty Roller End. Behind the rollers are stinging nettles and trees which lead down to the river.

Hythe & Dibden FC all packed up and ready to leave Jones Lane last season.

It's never dull watching Hythe & Dibden. I've covered them on here five times now, and seen 25 goals. I've also seen them a few times at their Jones Lane home ground without writing about the matches afterwards, and the five goals a game average has been maintained. The last time I saw them was towards the end of last season at one of their last games at the recreation ground before they move to their new pitch at the Clayfields Sports Centre.

My main memory of that match against Team Solent is sitting near a pair of groundhoppers who were discussing the difference between "chips as a snack" and "chips as a meal". Apparently, it's all to do with cost. If you buy chips for less than £2, they're a snack; over £2, they're a meal.

I've no doubt the groundhoppers will be back when Hythe & Dibden move to their new home. I popped down to Clayfields last week to see if the new ground had been built yet. The answer to that is no, but the pitch was looking in good condition, and no doubt a lot of work has been going on updating the dressing room facilities - all largely invisible but necessary preparations.

In a few weeks, the pitchside barriers, floodlights and shelters will be transported from Jones Lane, new hard standing will be laid, an entrance hut and surrounding fences will be erected, and everything will be ready for the first match.

In the meantime, Hythe & Dibden are groundsharing with Blackfield & Langley at Gang Warily.

The second half is under way at leafy Bonnymead Park.

Amesbury got off to a flier, as if they'd just invented fire and Hythe & Dibden were standing around gawping at this amazing new thing instead of concentrating on the football. Tyler Brockway scored their first goal after 5 minutes, hooking the ball home after a scramble in the box. "Oi, Tyler, there's still time to be picked for England!" came the shout from the home dugouts. Roy Hodgson could do a lot worse...

Nine minutes gone and it was 2-0 from a flicked header from a corner, scored by Amesbury's number 9, Danny Finnegan. With number 5 having scored after 5 minutes, and number 9 after 9 minutes, I surmised that Hythe & Dibden would probably be safe if they got past the 16th minute without conceding another goal (assuming Amesbury's sub numbers went up to 16).

I was right, as the home side calmed down a bit after their whirlwind start. There were more chances, but no more goals during the first half.

Talking of groundhoppers (well, I was a few paragraphs ago), I noticed at least three other than myself. One of them was holding a small photographic device and appeared to be mumbling to himself rather a lot. I'm sure he must be a nice person, but as he was talking to himself, I kept well away from him. Scanning through my Twitter profile yesterday, I noticed some retweets from Hythe & Dibden directing me to some Youtube videos of the match. Viewing one of these, I realised that the groundhopper had been taking videos and providing a commentary as he did so! One of the mini videos features Amesbury's second goal. Link provided at the end of this report.

Hythe & Dibden's Terry Cox scores their goal from this free kick.

Hythe & Dibden were much better in the second half. Where all the first half action had been directed towards the Rusty Roller End, in the second half, all the action was...towards the Rusty Roller End. A game of two halves indeed. The home supporters were worried even before Olabiyi was brought down on the edge of the box and Terry Cox side-footed the resultant free-kick in to the bottom right of Amesbury's goal (see above).

Minutes later, and Amesbury's right-back received his second yellow card and the home team were a man short. They were lucky to get away with what appeared to be a certain penalty shortly afterwards, and then Lee Chudy curled the ball against the post (see below). The metallic ping of the goalpost seemed to signal the end of Hythe's dominance, as five minutes later, a directionless hoof up the pitch towards the clubhouse bounced between Hythe's hesitating centre-back and goalkeeper. Finnegan nipped in to head over the stranded custodian to put the home side 3-1 up and kill off any chance of a draw and extra-time.

Shame, as the match had been enthralling up to that point and I would have been happy to stay another half an hour.

...and this shot from Lee Chudy hits the post!

More entertaining than Gockey? Most certainly. More fun than Holf? Absolutely! Better than Stone Age football? I'll leave that to the archaeologists to speculate. Was there any naked whooping and hollering afterwards? I've no idea - I was on my way home by 5 o'clock, listening to Sports Report on the wireless.

There's a match report on Amesbury Town's website here. There are likely to be action photos on Dave Cavanagh's Flickr profile, but I haven't seen them yet. The groundhopper's Youtube videos (with commentary) can be viewed here.

It wasn't this fly's lucky day.

Hythe & Dibden were one of 17 Hampshire clubs playing in the FA Vase on Saturday, and one of seven to bow out at this first stage. The other unfortunates were Alton Town, Romsey Town, Cove, Brockenhurst, Fawley and Totton & Eling. Fleet Spurs and Team Solent are involved in replays on Tuesday evening.

The draw for the second qualifying round (Hampshire clubs only) looks like this:

Highworth Town v Hartley Wintney
Hook Norton v Tadley-Calleva
Eversley & California v Tuffley Rovers
New College Swindon/Fleet Spurs v Thame United
Team Solent/Cadbury Heath v Ringwood Town
Bradford Town v Andover Town
Fareham Town v Petersfield Town
Sherborne Town v New Milton Town
Bemerton Heath Harlequins v Moneyfields
Chippenham Park v Whitchurch United
Winchester City v Laverstock & Ford
Swanage Town & Herston v United Services Portsmouth
AFC Portchester v Hamworthy United
Horndean v Lymington Town

Folland Sports, Blackfield & Langley and Alresford Town all have byes.

Amesbury Town will travel to Bristol-based Longwell Green Sports.

Hmmm, I quite fancy a trip to the seaside on October 4th.

[NB: Fleet Spurs and Team Solent both lost their replays after extra-time]